Ms. Dulcie Sey: “Thou Shall Not Covet Dy Neighbor’s Wife!”

Greetins and salutation in de name of Jesus! Ow hall a huno pass de Chrismuss?

Well, my dears de Chrismuss waz very quiet, not heven a mouse was stirrin de way de wul bog dung inna doom an gloom. Me had wan wacky Chrismuss wid Hingrid and she mix-hup situation, but dat iz a different story far wan nedder time.

Thru me waz inna Henglan all hof mi letta dem pile hup an me a panna-panna fi get thru dem quick, quick. Mosa de letta  dem wey me get iz fan mail an crazy mail, sumtimes dem is wan in de same…Hif yu ketch me drif?

 Ms. Dulcie just siff thru dem like wan german shepherd an den move on to de hintresting subjeck dem.

Like tek far instance, dis letta me get from wan man name Harper Rollins…..De note wey him write really gey peple sumting fi simma dem brain pon.


Dear Ms. Dulcimer Robothom:

Happy New Year! I hope when this letter reaches you, that you will be experiencing good health, peace and serenity. I am writing to you in regards to a very irritating matter that is causing me to act out of character and I am fearful that I may go off the deep end.  If I do not discuss the matter confidentially with someone who knows what may unfold…?

My wife and I recently moved to a new town because my company relocated. The relocation was  an alternative to downsizing. Therefore my company opted to save tax dollars by changing cities.  Prior to moving to Oregon, I kept my marriage and private life “under wraps”. No one had met my wife, Selena until we moved to Portland. But, since the company paid to relocate us, it feels as if it has given people a free pass to invade our private lives. We are trying to get acclimated to the environment, but recent events have made it very difficult.

 I can’t help but noticing that whenever my wife and I get invited to events, the men are always making suggestive remarks about my wife.

They remark how sexy she is and how we must have a lot of fun in our private moments. They are always trying to delve into our personal and intimate lives and sometimes  they throw around innuendos. Recently, while I was away on a business trip, several of the male neighbors visited my house, knowing fully well that I was not there. My wife informed me that on several consecutive days they each came around, wanting to borrow tools from my garage.  According to my wife, they were downright forceful and invasive with their visits. They barraged the home with phone calls, boisterous banging on the door and at times they proceeded to canvas our property looking for points of entry or peeking through the windows.

My wife is a very quiet and meek person, she does not crave attention and dresses very modestly. Therefore, she has not given these people any reason to come after her with such lust and wanton behavior. She has been traumatized by the events, because she had never been subjected to individuals who were so harassingly forward.

At first, we thought that they were just  being neighborly and friendly, but things have escalated to the point of a living nightmare. My wife, Selena finds it difficult to go to the grocery store or run errands without incident. On several visits she was accosted by one of the other husbands from our subdivision. He waited until she was in a secluded area and tried to fondle her. She was able to pull away from his evil grip and sought refuge within the confines of a retail store, where she called me. A few months later, the same individual was seen following her around for several days while she ran her errands. It is believed, that he slashed her tires,  leaving her almost stranded, one night as she attended the Civic Association meeting.

We reported the incident to Law Enforcement, but it was to no avail, since the men of the neighborhood are chummy with them, and even they too, have become part of the problem. Sometimes it feels as if it is just us against the world.

Even in the office things have become very strange. They are constantly asking me, “When are you going to bring Selena for a visit? She’s so hot…She’s so pretty.”

Some people might say I should report the matter to HR, however, the point seems moot since even the President of my company and the HR Manager are all part of the harassment posse.

The remarks and comments are non-stop, and quite frankly I am growing tired of this gross invasion.

Ms. Dulcie, their callous, lewd comments and invasion of privacy are really beginning to annoy us both. I am afraid that if a resolution is not found for this problem we are facing, I may resort to drastic measures. Please assist me with some of your no-nonsense advise.



AT My Wits End Rollins



Dear Mr. Wis End:

Tenk yu far yu nice greetins. Mek me start hoff by tellin yu not fi mek dem “ole cojuroba” peple mek yu get yu self inna any chouble. A dat dem want, so dem cyan haff full haccess to yu wifey.

Nowadays, dem de corporate relocation program is a farce. Odder dan yu fambly, wheneva peple a pay fi sinthing dem tink sey dem cyan haff access an free reign.

Dem de program is nuttin but fishin hexpeditions….Hif yu knoe wey me mean…..? (wink, wink)

Dem de peple soung like dem iz in wan cult. Sumting no right wid yu job . Far hall yu knoe it could be a set up ting wid hall hof dem. If me waz like yu, mi wud start fi look roung far wan nedder  wuk.

‘Cause hif it no start fi happen yet, it gwey soong happen, but dem a go tart fi tun de screws pon yu. Dem a go pressha yu til yu run wey leff yu wife, house, job an hevryting helse. Dem iz not nice peple.

Dem iz wey yu cyall scavengars. De bible tell we clearly sey, we no fi covet dy neighbor’s wife and dem a more dan covet she. Dem a luss an a lay wait ar…No man, dem is dangerous folks.

Fi mi hadvice to uno is fe flee dodge as soon as possible, ‘cause dem nah go let hup, dem a go terrarize uno til dem eider bruk uno hup or yu do sumting crazy an lose yu freedom on haccount a dem demonic behavior. Dem no wuth dat de chaos.

Till huno cyan dig hoff an go sum place helse, tell yu wife sey Ms. Dulcie sey, de nex time dem cum a scratch an sniff roung yu door way an key hole, boil hup sum turpentine an single bible an throw thru di window pon dem, a bet dem nevva cum back… Guzum dem to rahtid! Heh…Heh!!!!

Betta yet, dowse dem wid kerosene an see if dem no run like Donald Quarry.

You knoe, Missa Fowla halways a tell me dat wen hit cum to “punchinella” dere iz no limits to wey man will go.

Hanytime yu a deal wid dutty, nasty, stinking peple yu haffi get raw-chaw wid dem hor helse dem will nevva leff yu alone. Stay close to yu wife an tek ar wid yu wen yu a travel. No mek dem cause no friction inna uno relationship.

Obviusly, dem no haff much gweyin hon far dem. Wey iz fi dem wife doin why dem so higle an a bodder odder peple situation…?

 Fi dem wife need fi get pon task an tek control a dem man!

Halways remeba sey wen yu haff G-O-D, yu nevva alone! Han harmy may hencamp against yu, put dem will hall drop like flies. Soon, dem gwey be a memory, like gum beneth uno shoes.  Till den tek cyare, pray, an no give in to de debil dem.


Ms Dulcimer Peaches Robothom

From Oracabessa, St. Mary & Westmoreland

About the author

Dulcimer "Peaches" Robothom