Herman Cain and Gloria Cain Squabble – Jamaican Style (Satire)


Imagine if Herman Cain was Jamaican and had to face a Jamaican wife after the last revelation of a long term affair. How would that conversation unfold? Well, I have the tape of the squabble between the two. This is an exclusive.

Gloria:  Herman! Herman!  Is what di backside mi a hear pan NBC yah soh! 

Herman Cain:  (running in the room)   What yuh hearing love sponge? Mi stock an mi poll numba gaan up again? Mi ratings a sell aff? 

Gloria:  (Boxes him across his face)  Who di backside is Ginger?! 

Herman Cain:  (Reflecting)  Ginger?  What yuh talking bout?  Afta mi noh know nobaddy name soh! Unless a di Ginga inna di battam a di fridge yuh a talk bout. 

Gloria:  Yuh tek mi fi fool Herman?! Yuh bloody well know seh a noh dat deh Ginga mi a talk bout. Explain to mi who is dis white ooman name Ginger who deh pan telivisian a talk bout yuh gi  har how much money fi mine har!  An how fi har head tan betta dan fi mi an mi a yuh wife?! 

Herman Cain:  Yuh hair waan crème Gloria..dats why it fayva budness. But mek a explain dis ting to yuh,  mi one an only cheese Pizza, wid pepperoni pan di top. Ginger is a lady mi did run into when mi did goh Colorado Springs pan business.  Shi si mi inna di hallway inna di hotel and beg mi a train fare. Troo mi  hawt soff, mi gi har $2.00 and tell har fi kip di change. Is what shi a seh bout mi now? 


Gloria:  Train fare?! (Slaps him with a pillow)   Yuh si eidiat mark pan mi farrid Herman! Mi know fi a fact seh train noh run a Colorado Springs!  Shi seh yuh an har deh fi TIRTEEN Years Herman! A tirteen years shi a ride train fah?!  Seh bet a tek dah lamp shade yah an bruck yuh head inna two!!  (Drapes him up by his collar)  Tell mi who is dis Ginga ooman mi seh! 

Herman Cain:  (Sweating)   Ah-rite..ah-rite mi ago talk di troot an nutten but di troot soh help mi GODFAADA’s Pizza.  Mi did ago surprise yuh, but mi did mean fi tell yuh seh mi fine mi long, loss sista by mi maada side. Yuh noh si di resemblance?   

Gloria:  (Boxes him across his face)   Herman, is a white ooman! Which part a yuh an har a sista! An NO  -  mi noh si noh resemblance ! Fi har nose straight and fi yuh own spread weh an open up like fi jack-ass!     


Herman Cain:  Ahrite.. dis a di Gad hanest troot now.  Is mi bredrin Bill Clinton tell mi fi set har up good fi him. Im noh waan Hillary know nutten bout har cause yuh know wah happen to im wid di big mout gyal, Monica Lewensyki. Slick Willy jus tell mi fi mek sure ANYTING shi waan .. mi muss give it to har  – a coulda  DEEP DISH Pizza – im seh geet to har.   

Gloria:  (Boxes him across his face)   Tap call Bill name inna dis!  Di ooman pan TV a call YOUR name .. all now shi noh mention nutten bout Bill Clinton! Yuh seem to  bi giving har sinting deep and it noh have a blastid ting fi do wid Pizza! 

Herman Cain:  Gloria baby, can wi talk bout mi 9-9-9 plan, lovie? Mi can gi yuh 9 more million, fi put up wid  mi fi 9 more years wid 9% intres! 

Gloria:  Mi have a 9-9-9 plan fi @ss. How about a gi yuh 9 minutes fi tek uh behine out yah an goh livewid  yuh 9 skettel dem,  before mi gi yuh 9 bloodkleet bax! 

Herman Cain:  Hole an deh Gloria. Do, nobadda bax mi again.  Mi jawbone sore. Mi is a sarry smaddy.  Mi did jus a try give aid to wan smaddy inna di 99%. Mi did a try do mi part fi stimulate di economy an mi goh get carelis an goh get miself stimulated by dis gravalitious ooman! 

** inaudible** 

Unfortunately the tape suddenly terminated at this point. But word is, Herman Cain has reached out to Newt Gingrich in order to get assistance in opening a revolving account at Tiffany’ s. 


About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book A Soh Wi Do It!. She is working on her second book “A Soh It Goh!” (Coming soon). Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances –

©Joelle C. Wright  December 2nd, 2011

About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.