Jamaican Bus Ride Instructions by a Conducta

Jamaican Bus Ride Instructions by a Conducta

Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40, running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct your attention to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model features.

ConDucta : Hail up massive! We want you to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan di di Papine to Down town route. The mogle of our bus is a 1985 Elcava , owned and operated by Rough Rider transports . Dis mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff time an it still a drive like new! This bus seats up to 55 passengers, howeva, due to our commitment to excellent service, wi do not leave anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up top 140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town

During di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences ..These are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out “Lard Jesas mi dead now!” – our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure di axle an wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem. But incase wi drap ina one an caan come out.. please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus fare..I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45.

This bus is not equipped with seat belts. Please hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide dung ina dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side.. Our seating passengers may experience standing passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu .. please do not yell out “Hey batty bway, come off a mi R*ss Lap!”. Dat may cause a serious shoot out!

On exiting the bus please don’t expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di bus step skillfully .. if unu drap an lan pon unu backside an bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response.

Dis is NOT a non-stap journey. As a matta fact wi stap any which part wi waan…wi stop at every yaad gate – all ina miggle road wi stap. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police ..incase of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase the bus’s normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout.

Also, incase dis bus get hijack by a terrorist known as “pick pocket” – hole dung di bway an murda im to r*ss.

With that said, If wi reach down town ina one piece please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung before unu can get off.. Noh mine dem ..but seat kina ration…

Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider Elcava pon di route ..and hope you enjoy di ride. DRIVA – PRESS OUT!!

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and author. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. She is currently in the process of writing her first book to be released soon.

© J.C. Wright,  Springdale, Maryland


About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.