Culture

Jamaicans Speak out on President Obama’s Visit (Funny Spoof)

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Portia Simpson Miller announced that President Obama will pay a state visit to Jamaica on April 9th en route to Panama. BOARDLANE TV wanted to solicit some insights from Jamaicans on the streets on just how much the visit will mean to them.

Boardlane TV: Hello viewers. With news of a sitting US president to visit the island since Ronald Reagan, we are here in Montego Bay feeling the pulse of Jamaicans in anticipation of his visit. Standing with me is a school girl who says she is a fan of the US President. Go ahead and tell us  what do you think of this visit?

Tricia: (Excited) Hello Miss, mi cyaan  believe seh Mista Obama a come a wi lickle Jamaica! Dis feel to mi like when mummy introduce mi to mi daddy fi di fuss time, mi naah lie. Mi love meeting strangers yuh si. Anyway, Mista President do mi a beg yuh stap a Mo’bay before yuh goh a Gordon house sar. Mi waan ketch a glimpse a yuh an si if a soh yuh really look good-up an frass like how mi si yuh pan TV.

Sadie: (Interrupts) Yes Barack! Come a Mobay fuss soh wi can gi yuh some roast yam an saltfish fi nyam. It look like di wan Michelle put yuh pan so-so lettuce leaf diet. Wi noh like how look draw dung an fayvah when daag a set fi dead. Yuh naah lef Jamaica til wi buff yuh up soh yuh can full out yuh suit dem good an prapa. Muah! Wi love yuh to di max Barack!

Boardlane TV: (Smiles) Very cute. Thanks.. now I’m going to talk to this  T-shirt street vendor over here. Hello madam.. how do you feel about President Obama’s visit next month?

Rhoda: (Shocked) Kiss mi mumma tripe! A lie! ‘Bama a come a Jamaica?!!

Boardlane TV: Yes ma’am, in April. You didn’t hear about it?

Rhoda: No baby love! A weh di puss tail yuh a seh to mi! Excuse mi deh lickle …mi have a phone cawl fi mek  (She dials a number on her cell phone) Dutty gyal Marva!  A mi Rhoda… gyal wan ooman weh deh yah a interview mi fi TV seh Michelle Obama baby daddy a come a yaad! Misiss beg yuh put mi inna yuh book deh. Mi a come ova Satiday mawning fi put in 4 track inna mi head. Mi haffi look bash fi mi President. By di way Marva, mi money  ago shart when mi come.. but mi wi pay yuh when mi sell di nex quarta dozen t-shut, yuh  hear mums? Layta!

Boardlane TV: I see you are very excited but why do you want to get dolled up for the President… you may not even get a chance to see him since he will be in Kingston.

Rhoda: Yuh tan deh tink soh! If mi haffi boom a ride pan wan handcart fi reach Kingston fi goh si dat deh scrumptious man, a dat mi ago do. (Kiss teet) Excuse mi lickle caah mi haffi goh ketch Missa Chin shap fi buy some blue, red an white hair. Yuh luckia dan mi. .. (Pushing away the Mike) Beg yuh paas.

Mikey: (Puffing on a cigarette) Miss lady, a soh some a dem dunce gyal yah love galang like some blinking pappy show like dem tink Obama a come a Jamaica fi kin im teet an goh a beach wid dem.  Mi suspek seh  all im a come yah fah, is fi si if di yute dem dung yah a link up wid ISIS and ALKIDA. Noh troo yuh si mi noh have my diploma, mi noh know what a gwaan. Dem check seh big man a fool!

Boardlane TV: Sir, I do believe the President’s visit has nothing to do with terrorist organizations. He is planning on meeting with the PM to talk about security, trade and other topics, sir.

Clifford:  (chimes in) Yow TV lady! Lowe mi  bredrin mek im talk di tings straight! Di man a come dung yah fi pree some tings weh noh too level. Yuh si mi? When Obama siddung wid Portia all mi want im fi do is fi negotiate di release of Dudus, Kartel, Buju an dem man deh, zeen? A dem deh kina trade agreement wi deh pan. Memba mi tell yuh dat!

Boardlane TV: Young man, I highly doubt any of those talks will go down with the Prime Minister.. but thanks  for the remarks anyway. Let me move on. You leaning against the post, do you have any expectations for the President’s visit?

Dennis: (wrenched face) Which President yuh a talk bout, sistren?

Boardlane TV: Aaah…the President of the Unites States, Barack Obama, sir.  He will be here on April 9th.

Dennis: BOMBAWT!!! ‘Bama a fly dung fi real?! Well, im can gas up Air Force one an fawud still. But mi ago miss di whole ting caah I-man have a court date pan di sed day fi a weed charge, yuh noh seet. As yuh a talk bout dat, if ‘Bama naah come fi support Jamaica an buy up some a wi good high-grade an leggo some money inna wi country, a waste a time visit still. Nuff place a farrin legalize di herb soh im betta come prappa wid some dallaz line up fi di good sensie. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: If you say so. Again, thanks for your comments. Hello Miss in the jeans skirt. Do you agree that the President’s visit could be a waste of time if not to negotiate on marijuana? How do you feel about this?

Lacy:  (Frowns) I doan care wedda im want to come here or what im coming here fah. I jus cancern dat Portia need fi tidy up di place before shi invite good people to wi yaad. When yuh a invite stoosh people a yuh yaad, doan yuh suppose to mek sure di place noh look chacka-chacka an smell rancid? Di garbage waan pick up an dem fi out di fiyah ova Riverton. Dem cyaan have di man a fly troo black smoke. Suppose im choke up inna di air?  And let’s say far instance di man goh drap inna pothole ..how dat ago look? Jesas man.. di place waan freshen up before shi chat bout shi a bring in Obama. Im noh use to di nastiness!  A noh soh di man grow! Dat is slackniss!

Boardlane TV: Wow. Interesting.  Thanks. Come here sweetie, looks like you want to add to what she said. Speak into the mike.

Karlene: (chimes in) Yes mam..shi speaking di troot. An ‘part fram di pot hole dem ..supposen seh light goh lack aff pan di poor man when im deh yah?! A soh Portia ago mek im siddung inna pitch black a count peenie wallie?  All di same.. im fi si dese tings soh im can know dat Jamaica is nat all paradise an glory. Fawt if dem eva know di real story an goh put ie pan CNN and FOXNEWS! What a sinting wi woulda behole dung yah to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: You both have some good points there. Lastly, you in the green blouse with “JLP” written on it. You seem to be someone who is political. What do you have to say?

Jackie: (Speaks into the camera) Well, yes I support the Jamaica Labor Party and I would like to send greetings to the President from Mobay. I would also like fi hosk im, if afta im  lef di white house, if im can come dung here an  run fi Prime Minister?

Boardlane TV: (puzzled) You know that is not possible, right?

Jackie: (Rolls her eyes) Look yah noh…. anyting is passible when yuh pray to Almighty Gad! Di only reason mi wudden want im fi come dung yah a run di country is if im is PNP an cumunjin like Portia. Odda dan dat im fi really look into it. Wi need nuff help dung yah bad caah di eediat dem weh a run JLP noh wort di pot weh dem p!ss inna neida!

Boardlane TV: Ok I see. You guys have been amazing in your responses. Well folks we have heard it all today – those in support and those not so keen on the idea of the President’s visit. That is going to be it for now until next time. This is Wendy reporting live from Montego Bay. Have a pleasant day.

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© Written by Joelle C. Wright March 20th, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.