Howdy-do hall hoff me wandarful fans, ow iz uno doing today?
Well, a ope hevrybady feelin good. Uno gettin redy far de Hindependence inna Jamaica.
Heh..Heh….see uno inna uno big eel boot an ting, sportin uno black, green an gole.
Lorks haff iz mercy! Uno tek cyare yah…’Cause me ere sey crime de pon wan spree.
Mek we change de subjeck a bit….Uno heva wandar bout dem nosie nelli peple….Yu know de
wans we inna uno bizness hall de time. Wedder ar not dem hinvited???
Today mi a go chat bout de lookie-loos, you know, de peple dem wey we cyall FASSS inna JA.
Me say, dere is a oman who rung wan Hostel dung de road a mi station. Wan day mi mek wan mistake fi sey howdy-do to ar, an heva since she a cyall, cyall me a tell me ar fixations dem. Hall day lang she a gossip bout de peple dem wey go in an hout a de place.
Hevry day she cyall mi hup a mi radio station a tell me bout ar hoccupant dem. Ow dem dress like fowl foot but she no know hif dem live
any kina life, haff any money ar hif dem nam good. She tell me sey mos a de time she believe sey dem a put hon wan show fi himpress
So me hask ar why she haff dem as ar customer. She say, “Well, dem brighten hup de place wid dem drama.”
But see ere, dis ya lady need fi tek hup neegle point ’cause she a hact like wan Simple Simon.
At fus mi did wan heng up de phone pon ar, but as she tart fi ramble on , she strike wan card wid me. De oman so nosey dat she hall dig hup through de peple dem gaarbage fi figga hout dem lifestyle. De curiosity start fi wuk pon she mind so till, she go hinstall camera inna
dem residences. She hall tell me sey wen nightime cum, she mek popcarn an put up ar foot an watch wey dem a do inna dem private quarters.
You knoe, me start fi tink sey, she houta horda bad.
She tell me bout hevrybadie inna de place. De Oman inna 1b, dress like fowl foot hall de time. At fus she did tink sey she wear hall ar
clothes pon she back, but she get fi fine hout sey she mek ar hown frock dem. Den she tart fi tell me dat she look like simady dat is wild,
but she get fi fine hout dat she’s a quiet sole. She heven tell mi wey she nyam hevry day an ow much time she bade an go to de lavatory.
Mi stap ar far a second, an hask har if she writin wan book or conductin resuch, cause ar convarsation dem was becomin disturbin on so many levels.
She start fi justify ar hantics dem by saying, “Ms. Dulcimer, you can’t be too careful dese days, people are ginals.”
But me keep hinsistin to ar, but yu iz violatin dese peple privacy, mon.
You knoe wey she say. “What dem dough know won’t urt dem.”
Well, I wuz bex wid ar juss waitin far she fi finish, to give ar, ar carbon copy.
She continued fi chat bout de family in 2a how dem dutty, an dem no clean di place but tree times a year, an ow dem mek dem pickney dem rung roung widdout any clothes on. Me sey to ar, “Den if dem so dutty, why yu no do sinting bout it?”
She ansa mi, “Dem iz very entertaining so me give dem a bligh.”
Hafta a few minutes into de convasation I was sure dis ya oman was mad no shad.
Den she start fi chat bout de young gal inna 4e ow she look like she cyan mash hants but all night lang ar phone ar ring hoff de hook an she swear sey she a deal drugs, cause she hallways hup an dung wid shopping bag or brown papa bag unda ar arms.
Me hask ar sey hiff she eva see ar wid any drugs….She tell me, “No.”
So me suggest sey, “Maybe she cyary de papa bag dem ’cause she a hypervantilate.”
Se say, “Huh? What’s dat?”
Now yu see me pint..before she go read wan book ar dictionary, she bizy a mine peple persanal biznezz.
Dat doughn’t mek no kina sense……
Mi tell ar sey she a clutch at straws an cyan judge peple by viewing dem personal life pon de camera dem.
She laugh. “You know Ms. Dulcie, you know what I find out? Dat people seem more exciting from a far, but when you get real close, dem far from exciting.”
Me laugh at ar an sey, “You eva tink sey dem knoe sey yu iz watchin dem?”
She laugh, “No man….me iz boss at dese tings.”
Me juss smirk an heng up de phone. ‘Cause hiff me did tek she on, it wulda be a bakkle at Waterloo.
Me no knoe why she iz obsessed wid knowin ow dese peple live…?
Some folks iz too previous far demselves…A wey she wuld a do hif dem tun de tables pon ar?
Dem haff a ole time Jamaican seying go, “When yu dig a ole, dig two, one far yuself an de person yu a ridicule.”
Ms. Dulcie no cyare fi de gossipars ’cause bush halways haff eayz…an who sey dem no knoe bout ar spyin.
Dem well an knoe bout ar wranglings, an give ar juss enough fi get ar knickers in a crease.
Ha! Ha! God doughn’t like ugly eh?
Tek cyare, till nex time.
Dulcimer Peaches Robothom