Ms. Dulcie Sey: "A Pure Roonkus Poonkus Gweyin On At Dat De Divorce Courthouse!"

Ow iz life treatin yu hall?
Me opin betta dan it a treat me an Hingrid. De blinkin Yehuda im finly hagree fo gey ar wan divorce hafta , months hof im halmshouse behavia. Me sey, dat de bwoy, a go seng me trait to ell pon a wan wey ticket. Hif yu heva ere ow im talk to mi gal pickney uno would a did hembarass far me an she. Him fresh yu see!
Im tell Hingrid sey she a “no race” through she mix-hup, mix-hup and im a go tek wey de bebe ’cause she a hact like wan hairline hostess a fly-fly hall ova de custed place. Well, Mr. Yehuda dun mash fi mi carn plenty time so im a go get sum special medicine fram de Jamaican Old Lady dem, cause we no tek too kinely to dat type a chattin yu see.
Dat bwoy is a psycopat, wan minute im wan she fi stay, de nex minute im wan she fi go…What kina sumtimey marriage dat iz?
Me juss kinely tap sum sense inna im head an tell im fi leff are alone if im know wey good far im. So, tru dat we go a de Divorce Court.
Me say, Me, Hingrid and likkle Hingrid Jr. dress like foul foot fi go dung  de Court House. When we get de, me see wan hell of a longo-lalla line. Me tun to de Hingrid she an sey, “We mussey haff di wrang place or dere mussey be a sale pon divorce?”
No laugh ya peple, is a serious ting when peple a rung in, an rung hout a marriage. Iz like dem a play hop-scotch. Hanyways, hafta me check roung an hask sum peple bout de sitiation. Me fine hout sey de line iz fi de courhouse fi true. When yu ere fram de shout…A check dem a check peple fi gun, knife, all kina weapon. Yu eva ere such foolishness?
Dem no have no revrence not heven inna de courthouse. Me sey, me ketch mi fraid same time. ‘Cause me did haff wan hackee an saltfish sangwich, phensic, garlic, hair spray an wan hole heap a icy mint sprinkle hall ova de bag. By de time me fi pack an hunpack dis ya bag hit will be time fi go ome. Az uno mussey figa hout de crablouse alarm go hoff on haccount of de aersol spray. Nex ting me knoe iz wan big, hell hoff a  oman, who look like wan misa bull, a hask me fi step into de room nex door. She a go badie cavity such mi.
Uno would a did shame a Ms. Dulcie, a carry on bad yu see…..Me sey,”A which cavity uno a go such? ‘Cause me no see no Dentist hoffice de ya an mi likkle granbebe, barely haff teeth in ar head, So uno tell mi kinely who cavity uno suchin?”
De Big Gal offisa ansa, “You, Miss Robothom.”
Me juss tell ar, “Ova me dead bodie!”
De Hingrid she start fi fuss an carry hon bout we gwey be late and dat she see Yehuda a go hupstairs, so tru me nevva wan bus ar bubble, me tell de oman sey, “Halright, but doughn’t get too close an personal!”
Yu knoe wey she sey, “That’s impossible because we have to be very thorough!”
Me juss back hoff same time an tell Hingrid sey she fi go hupstairs widdout mi, ’cause dis hole ting feel like wan canspiracy. Hall a dis ya hattention ova wan russ hup can a aersol spray.
Den de spirit sey, to watch dem wid de odder peple a see wey a go hon. Bout tree lady go before me, den wan nedder lady alarm go hoff an dem tek ar in fi such ar. Me ere de lady a cuss an go hon….All me ere are sey iz “What ar you people doing all the way in there?”
De oman run hout a de room as red as aetioti happle and screamin sey dem violate ar. Hall me culd did sey waz, “Yes, Lord! Iz fi mi punchinella dem did wan’ fi roux hout!”
Same time me go inna carrrespondent mode an hask de Lady wey wrang. Me hexplain to ar sey, me hown mi radio station an me cyan elp ar wid de matta. She tell me sey, first dem patt ar dung, den de oman hoffisa start fi feel hup are breast dem like breadfruit, and den she jam ar hole hand inna de lady “tunnie”.
Me had erd enuff….! Dis was a mortifyin hexperience. Me decide fi tan roung likkle bit, an me notice sey iz ongly oman wid haccent dem alarm a go hoff pon, iz a rigg up sinthing dem a pull hoff.
Me bex yu see…..Same time me juss flash hout me DPR Press Badge an tel dem mi a cova de developments hupstairs. De hoffisa dem yeye get wide hopen, dem tart fi hact hall nervous, nervous, me heven get wan hescort trait to de court room door. Dem hall elp fi bring de bebe stroller, diaper bag, playpen, car seat an toys.
Ms. Dulcie sen shock waves hall ova de place. De poor Magistrate did so flustered im grant Hingrid de Divorce widdout given de Yehuda a chance fi cantest hit. Me nevva see peple bow an scrape so much, ’cause dem nuh wan dem duttty secret fi ketch de air waves.
At dat de time hall me knoe iz a pure roonkus-poonkus a go on at de Divorce Courthouse.
But as unno knoe sey, Ms. Dulcie juss cyan’t elp arself…..I’ve juss gotta be me!
Me glad sey Ms.Hingrid get rid hoff dat de halbatross roung she neck, an me cyan presarve ar inheritance far mi likkle granpickney. But de real coup waz, as soon as daylight bruk de nex day, Ms. Dulcie hexpose dem hantics wid ar front page hexclusive.
Uno know what? Since den, nuff oman cum farward an tel hoff dem horror stories, not ongly at de courthouse, but at de hairport, de school yaad, de Doctor’s office, de liss iz hendless. Uno oman muss rememba sey, punchinella mek de wull go roung, so hif it no feel good ar comfartable inna uno gut, tell de ole cojorouba peple dem fi clear hoff an leff uno private parts halone!
Afta dem iz no archaeologis, a wey dem a dig fa? Gole?
Hatleast de oman dem cyan regain sum likkle dignity fram dis ya nerve rackin hardeal. Uno hall tek cyare till nex time an keep uno nature unda wraps.
Ms. Dulcimer Peaches Robothom from Oracabessa and Westmoreland


About the author

Dulcimer "Peaches" Robothom