Culture

President Obama’s Conversation with Portia Simpson-Miller revealed. (Funny Spoof)

Portia-Obama

President Barack Obama arrived at the Kingston Airport on Wednesday, April 8, 2015 for an historic visit to the island. Many assumed he was on the island to have bilateral talks with Prime Minister Portia Simpson Miller about trade but Boardlane TV obtained exclusive footage of the conversation he and the PM had in her quarters. Let’s take a look.

Portia: (reaches for a hug) Hello Barack mi dawling. Welcome to Jamaica mi dupes. Lawd! No sah! Barack weh yuh waistline deh fi mi hug up? Yuh look draw dung an maaga man! Yuh noh si yuh suit nat even heng pan yuh good?!

Obama: (Smiles) Tanks fi di welcomes, Portia. Well, Presidential life a stress mi out a way still. But mi deh a di right place fi grub out pan some real yaad food. Mi cyaan wait fi get dung innna some jerk powk an roas cawn. Jah know mi tiyad a Michelle steam broccoli an bake bean mo’ time.

Portia : Poor lickle ting. An dem sinting deh wi mek yuh belly gripe yuh enoh. Anyway, call mi “ Mamma P.”  Have a seat. I am going to mek sure yuh is well taken care of while you are here. Soh how was di welcome at di airport?

Obama: (Vexed face) Mamma P, I need to ask yuh about dat. Mi pilot seh im cudden si di runway good fi land straight caah noh light neva deh a di airport. Di govament noh pay light bill dung yah? Mi did well waan buss a Bogle dance when mi a come aff di plane but lickle moas mi drap affa di step because di place pitch black to brown daaag!

Portia: Lawd Barack man! Noh mek it look soh bad! Mi sure di airport workers dem did have flash light fi greet yuh. Now mek mi get something affa mi chess before wi start. How comes yuh mek mi tek di money mi noh have an fix up di blastid road dem an plant flowas pan roadside fi yuh an as yuh come yah, yuh jump pan Helicopta?!

Obama: Portia, relax yuh self. Yuh noh si seh a miggle night mi land yah! Who yuh tink a drive pan back road an wi noh know weh wi ago?! Yuh fix di road an it look like yuh figet fi change di light bulb pan di post dem caah nat even wan street light wi si when wi a fly ova di city.

Portia: (kiss teet) If mi did know seh yuh woulda come yah come tek mi mek poppy show mi wudden fix up nutten fi yuh! A have a good mine dig up back di road dem! Anyway, yuh call mi an tell mi yuh coming but yuh neva tell mi wah mek? Noh badda come tell mi seh a di money wi barrow yuh come fah enoh. Wi noh have it!

Obama: (Laughs) Yuh funny enoh, my girl. Well, mi decide fi come check yuh because mi waan know why soh much Jamaicans a run weh lef di island? Portia, di embassy full up wid wan bag a paypa work fi yuh people dem up a farrin. Weh di [email protected]@s yuh a do dung yah mek dem waan bolt?! Dis is suppose to be a land of paradise!

Portia : (kiss teet) Yuh tan deh falla dem. Dem is a set a ungrateful wretch! Everyday dem git up a bawl fi food, good road and lowa taxes. But as yuh gi dem good road, dem tek ie mek racing track. Mi seh ..if dem noh tap badda mi gut hole, mi ago mek yuh sen dem Visa application down to mi soh mi can tax dat blouse and skirt to! Mek dem continue to disturb mi soul an si wah happen to dem.

Obama: Mamma P, yuh awful an crabbit bad, enoh! Anyway, before mi continue…yuh noh have nutten fi gi mi fi drink? Mi troat-ole dry like yuh hair style.

Portia: Yuh know yuh renk an feisty! Yuh lucky mi like yuh. Yes, mi have bebrige inna di fridge. Yuh want a cold Red Stripe or Heineken?

Obama: (Frowns) Well, mi a di beer noh gree enoh. Mi is a man easy fi get tipsy an imbalance. Mi tink a troo mi malnourish still. Yuh noh have noh Jelly puddung any weh?

Portia : Yah man! (Calling out to the Grounds man) Goatmout! Goatmout ooyyee!!! Goh outta door goh pick wan jelly cyaah come gi Michelle baby daddy. Mikase to! Dis is a very important man..mi noh want im tan yah dead pan mi.

Goatmout: (Responds): Yes mam! One Jelly coming up!

Obama: (Amused) Goatmout?! A wah kina name dat fi a big man?

Portia : (Laughing) Wait til yuh si im mout an yuh wi undastand. It long an shoob out an a bare gum yuh si when im laugh. Anyway, back to serious talk now. Soh how much a dem apply fi Visa by your count?

Obama: (Leans forward) Mamma P, di estimate mi get is one million an two yaadies. Portia, mi cyaan feed soh much a dem plus di odda immigrants dem weh a jump di fence! Di system ovaload an di Jamaicans dem weh up deh already, dem chess high like kite. Some a dem noh like di fact dat food stamp cyaan buy oxtail an lobster.

Portia: Well, gi dem tun cornmeal den! A dat mi do! Mi tax dem blow wow soh much dat a only dat dem can afford fi nyam a day time!

Obama: (sighs) Di odda problem wi have is a good an bad. Di Jamaicans dem work very hard. God know! But Jesas Gad …why di blurtneet dem haffi tek up all di job dem wan time? Troo because a dat, noh job noh lef fi di ress a citizens fi get. Some a dem up deh a Teller by day, Waiter and waitress by night an wok Security inna di wee hours. Yuh people dem noh know wah name sleep?

Portia: Yuh si all dem tings deh now! An yuh know seh mi cyaan get di buggah dem fi do any wok dung yah, Barack? If yuh goh outta road right now yuh si how much a dem a play domino an katch pan wall a smoke out dem life! A soh as day light dem noh have a blastid ting fi do!

Obama: But Portia, what yuh doing fi put di yutes dem to work? A your responsibility dat enoh, my girl. As soon as mi hellicopta land, some people rush mi an a ask mi if mi bring Visa fi dem. It doan look good, Portia.

Portia: (Hands akimbo) But yuh si mi dying trial! Yuh secret service shoulda bax dung dem [email protected]@s! Dem is too outta arda an brite. Dem noh have no behavior when dem si brand new people. Mek I tell yuh somting dat yuh doan know Barack, when I tek ova dis job fram di JLP dem neva give it to mi wid noh job fi gi di people dem… soh weh mi fi get ie fram? Weh dem need fi do is goh dig grung a goh plant some coco an renta yam an goh sell a market.

Obama: (Shakes his head) Portia, yuh cole bad. If mi neva have mi hand full wid di Middle East worries, mi woulda come dung yah an help yuh run di country. But how yuh manige get such a small country an cyaan run it an look how mi a run big-big America an out fi run Cuba to.

Portia: Yuh boasy, eeh? Look yah man… mi haffi tek mi time build up di country parish by parish til it come to. It noh easy as yuh seet soh.

Obama: How much parish yuh work pan?

Portia: Well it depends pan which parish vote fi mi. Any wan a dem weh vote Labourite, dem can KIRROUT!!

Obama: (Throws hand in the air) SASCRISE!! Portia, yuh fi serve di people wedda dem vote fi yuh or not! Yuh fi do betta dan dat. Soh what yuh plan fi do fram dis point fi mek di Jamaicans dem happy soh dat dem can tap pack up New York an Miami?

Portia: (arms folded) Well, some a di potholes dem patch up soh mi wi look an si if any odda road can fix by now an Independence day but mi cyaan pramise dat cause as a very important head of state, I travel very regular!

Obama: (puzzled) Weh di backside yuh a goh again, Portia?! Weh yuh noh tan a yuh yaad an look afta di people dem worries?! How yuh pay fi gas up yuh plane an mi hear seh yuh people dem cyaan buy gas fi dem stove?

Portia : How yuh jus a fret up yuhself ova wat nat concern yuh soh? A Jamaica dis enoh bossy – land of WOOD and wata. If dem cyaan buy di gas, dem noh can galang goh cut dung dry wood an cook sed way! Dem lucky!

Obama: (shakes his head) Ah bway. Anyway, do something bout dis sufferation caah di immigration ting a mad mi uppa farrin. Soh weh wi a flex lickle layta, my girl?

Portia : (Excited) Buckle up yuh shoes Barack! Layta wi a goh stone love dance. Yuh can dance wid yuh two leff foot?

Obama: Sistren,mi a di fuss black man mi know weh noh have noh riddim. Dancing a Michelle ting but mi have swag soh mi can gwaan frass an ting.

Portia : Yes, mi notice Michelle she a dance all ova di place pan TV. Mi sarry yuh neva bring har come mek mi show har new dance name “ZIG-ZAG ROCK an HOT RICE.” Dem deh PG-rated dance shi a do wid Jimmy Falcon naah happen. It stale!

Obama: (confused) Jimmy who? Di man name “Jimmy Fallon”, Portia! Yuh jus a mash up di man name soh. Noh wanda some people seh yuh dunce. Anyway, mi looking forward to a good time wid yuh. It is so good to be in Jamaica fi real. Di place slap weh!

Portia: (Hugs him) Awww …Tanks fi visiting us dawling. Please doan mek dis bi your losst time. Anyway, mi like how yuh neva even pack wan lickle barrel cyaah dung fi mi dowe. But mi noh bex… wan day yuh ago waan come back.

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Boardlane TV: Wow! Amazing footage there people and this will not be aired anywhere but on Boardlane TV. We are pleased to have gotten a hold of this tape so we can bring you right in the middle of the conversation. Until next breaking news, this is Wendy reporting live. Have a pleasant day.

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© Written by Joelle C. Wright March 20th, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.