VOICE TOP 10 PERFORMS: JAMAICANS WEIGH IN.(Jamaican Spoof)

The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowingly soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin

Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?

Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?

Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.

Boardlane TV: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?

Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.

Boardlane TV: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?

Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.

Boardlane TV: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?

Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!

Boardlane TV: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area)  Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?

Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.

Boardlane TV: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?

Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!

Boardlane TV: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?

Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!

Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?

Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh  shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?

Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak  wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity,  plus tax!

Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?

Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex  taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an  beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.- See more at: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/2013/11/05/jamaicans-turn-up-the-votes-for-tessanne-chin-live-broadcast-jamaican-spoof/#sthash.nsJQH9XO.dpuf

The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowingly soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin

Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?

Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?

Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.

Boardlane TV: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?

Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.

Boardlane TV: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?

Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.

Boardlane TV: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?

Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!

Boardlane TV: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area)  Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?

Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.

Boardlane TV: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?

Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!

Boardlane TV: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?

Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!

Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?

Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh  shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?

Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak  wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity,  plus tax!

Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?

Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex  taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an  beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.- See more at: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/2013/11/05/jamaicans-turn-up-the-votes-for-tessanne-chin-live-broadcast-jamaican-spoof/#sthash.nsJQH9XO.dpuf

The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowingly soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin

Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?

Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?

Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.

Boardlane TV: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?

Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.

Boardlane TV: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?

Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.

Boardlane TV: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?

Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!

Boardlane TV: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area)  Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?

Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.

Boardlane TV: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?

Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!

Boardlane TV: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?

Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!

Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?

Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh  shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?

Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak  wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity,  plus tax!

Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?

Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex  taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an  beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.- See more at: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/2013/11/05/jamaicans-turn-up-the-votes-for-tessanne-chin-live-broadcast-jamaican-spoof/#sthash.nsJQH9XO.dpuf

The Voice’s final 10 singers assembled for a live two-hour battle last night. The night was punctuated by a “cameo” appearance from Olympian Usain Bolt. When it was her time, Tessanne Chin gave another powerful rendition of “If I was your woman.” With nine other contestants who performed, Boarlane TV is Live in Portmore, Jamaica to obtain feedback from  the viewers of the show.  

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from outside a shopping Mall in Portmore. I have a young lady standing next to me who identified herself  as an avid viewer and a loyal Tessanne fan. So miss, we know you are a Tessanne fan, are there any other favorites you have in the show?  

Felicia: (Nods) No sah! To tell yuh troot half a dem boring noh puss front! Wan lily gyal pan di show name Caroline, Gad know seh shi fi use Google maps an goh fine har bloody yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?

Felicia: Nat a backside! An doan even get mi started pan di loud mout gyal, name Kat. Why di blurtbeet rouna fi har yeye dem haffi always soh black like di pot dem inna mi kitchen?  Every week it come een like shi beg smaddy tump har inna har yeye before shi touch di stage. Den di black vampire wan wid im zip up sleeve, Ceelo, a come talk bout Kat have 9 live. Well so does DUPPY an if shi noh fayva wan mi change mi name to Medusa!  

Boardlane TV: OK then. Very strong feelings there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now, you sir have been waiting patiently to speak to me. What is your take on the top 10 performers?

Ranny: (Shaking head side-to-side) Baby doll, mi siddung inna mi settee a pree how Miss Chin a sing out har heart an soul to mi. Laas night shi mek it clear to mi dat  if she was MY WOMAN, mi wouden waan noh more ooman an shi woulda mek mi weak like a goat!  

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) That should be like a “lamb”, sir. The word in the song is, “lamb.”

Ranny: Goat-Lamb… same dyam ting caah di two a dem can curry! Weh mi a try seh is, shi look straight inna di camera an tell mi seh me is a part of har an mi jus noh know yet. An shi waan mi but shi too fraid fi show it.  Oh Gad, a feel it to mi BONE! (Closing his eyes) Oh Tessy, I need yuh caressing and loving, baby. (Licks lips)

Tina: (Slaps across his head) Ranny! Weh di rahtid yuh jus seh, big head?! Yuh tink mi noh si yuh ova yah a drip mout wata ova di nice, nice woman weh nat even know wan ting bout yuh an yuh bruck  ass!

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) Excuse me. Boardlane TV, here. Who are you?

Tina:  Mi a di wifie, Miss lady. Mi si im ova yah a chat to yuh soh mi seh mek mi walk ova an hear what unu talking bout. Only fi hear im an im ransid mout a chat bout Tess want him. Coo im to. Fayva dem blastid croakin’ lizzad!

Boardlane TV: Never mind him. I’m sure it was all innocent. Well, I asked your husband to give me his take on the Voice last night. Do you have anything to say about any of the contestants?

Tina: Yes, as a matter of fact, I does have some tings to seh. Tess, yuh ting shell dung but sweetie, a when yuh ago bruck out di dub plate mek wi hear some reggae music? Come een like Adam noh know weh di fawt im a do wid yuh except fi a stare inna yuh yeye like im si matta in deh! Look yah noh Adam, Miss Chin nat trying to headline show inna Pegasus hotel, enoh. Di ooman a try get top a di line intanational career! Tap gi di ooman sang weh drap affa di chart fram whappy kill phillup an bring har up to di forty-first century! Cho r@@s man!

Ranny: Yes, a true ting mi wife a seh. Leggo di reggae pan di crowd Tessy, but noh sing noh more sang to mi caah yuh a cause worries inna mi house. Love yuh bad, bad, bad!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) You two are a funny bunch. You can go now and Miss, go easy on your husband. It was just fantasy.  Moving along. Sir, would you like to share your views on any of the contestants of the show?  

Ringo:  Trus mi, a nuff tings di Don waan seh still but hear wah…mek a seh sinting bout di yute weh name James Worl-Pit or whateva im waan name…

Boardlane TV: Do you mean James Wolpert, sir?

Ringo: (Shrugs) Yes, dah punk deh! Mi waan fi know weh di blurtneet di bredda goh tek aan high note weh im cyaan manige fah? Di yute set fi goh high wan time an mi swear im sh!t up im pants. Mi bet any money seh im all buss out im pant cratches pan di stage an dem haffi change im roun a back deh. BLURTNAUGHT! Di bway nearly buss up mi ears drum to banana trash!

Boardlane TV: So clearly you didn’t like his performance, ah?

Ringo: No Star! Adam mite as well gi im wan lollipop an sen im home to im mumma fi Chrismuss. As far as mi si, a ongly Tess wan fi deh pan fi im team. Waste a time di whole lot a dem!

Boardlane TV: You held back nothing at all for sure. Thanks for the comments and we have just enough time left for one more person. Let me grab this young lady with her shopping bags. Miss, Boardlane TV reporting. Would you like to share with us your take in the top 10 performances on the Voice?

Nino: Ah yes, that show! The highlight for me was when Usain Bolt show im face fi seh im come fi support  Tessanne. Bad enough di yankee dem haffi get a buss assin pan di track an now Usain Bolt come pan di Voice fi mek di whole a di singas dem know seh Tess ago put aan more buss assin pan dem Jamaican-style! Lawd, it noh pretty!

Boardlane TV: So you think this is going to be another win for Jamaica, ah?

Nino: No question bout dat! Mite as well dem start line up di podium an get ready fi hice up di flag backa Tessanne and mek shi sing di national antem. It is going to be an Olympic style victory where Tessanne wins by a long-slide. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV: Who do you think will be the runner up?

Nino: (Kiss teet) It noh matta mi enoh lady, soh as long as di whole a dem come dead laas backa har, in the name of Jesus. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV:  OK, there you have it. One viewer has just predicted a win for the Jamaican songstress by a “long-slide” – whatever that means. This is Wendy reporting from Portmore shopping plaza. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.

– See more at: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/2013/11/19/voice-top-10-performs-jamaicans-weigh-in-jamaican-spoof/#sthash.9KWKp9YG.dpuf

The Voice’s final 10 singers assembled for a live two-hour battle last night. The night was punctuated by a “cameo” appearance from Olympian Usain Bolt. When it was her time, Tessanne Chin gave another powerful rendition of “If I was your woman.” With nine other contestants who performed, Boarlane TV is Live in Portmore, Jamaica to obtain feedback from  the viewers of the show. 

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from outside a shopping Mall in Portmore. I have a young lady standing next to me who identified herself  as an avid viewer and a loyal Tessanne fan. So miss, we know you are a Tessanne fan, are there any other favorites you have in the show? 

Felicia: (Nods) No sah! To tell yuh troot half a dem boring noh puss front! Wan lily gyal pan di show name Caroline, Gad know seh shi fi use Google maps an goh fine har bloody yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?

Felicia: Nat a backside! An doan even get mi started pan di loud mout gyal, name Kat. Why di blurtbeet rouna fi har yeye dem haffi always soh black like di pot dem inna mi kitchen?  Every week it come een like shi beg smaddy tump har inna har yeye before shi touch di stage. Den di black vampire wan wid im zip up sleeve, Ceelo, a come talk bout Kat have 9 live. Well so does DUPPY an if shi noh fayva wan mi change mi name to Medusa! 

Boardlane TV: OK then. Very strong feelings there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now, you sir have been waiting patiently to speak to me. What is your take on the top 10 performers?

Ranny: (Shaking head side-to-side) Baby doll, mi siddung inna mi settee a pree how Miss Chin a sing out har heart an soul to mi. Laas night shi mek it clear to mi dat  if she was MY WOMAN, mi wouden waan noh more ooman an shi woulda mek mi weak like a goat! 

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) That should be like a “lamb”, sir. The word in the song is, “lamb.”

Ranny: Goat-Lamb… same dyam ting caah di two a dem can curry! Weh mi a try seh is, shi look straight inna di camera an tell mi seh me is a part of har an mi jus noh know yet. An shi waan mi but shi too fraid fi show it.  Oh Gad, a feel it to mi BONE! (Closing his eyes) Oh Tessy, I need yuh caressing and loving, baby. (Licks lips)

Tina: (Slaps across his head) Ranny! Weh di rahtid yuh jus seh, big head?! Yuh tink mi noh si yuh ova yah a drip mout wata ova di nice, nice woman weh nat even know wan ting bout yuh an yuh bruck  ass!

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) Excuse me. Boardlane TV, here. Who are you?

Tina:  Mi a di wifie, Miss lady. Mi si im ova yah a chat to yuh soh mi seh mek mi walk ova an hear what unu talking bout. Only fi hear im an im ransid mout a chat bout Tess want him. Coo im to. Fayva dem blastid croakin’ lizzad!

Boardlane TV: Never mind him. I’m sure it was all innocent. Well, I asked your husband to give me his take on the Voice last night. Do you have anything to say about any of the contestants?

Tina: Yes, as a matter of fact, I does have some tings to seh. Tess, yuh ting shell dung but sweetie, a when yuh ago bruck out di dub plate mek wi hear some reggae music? Come een like Adam noh know weh di fawt im a do wid yuh except fi a stare inna yuh yeye like im si matta in deh! Look yah noh Adam, Miss Chin nat trying to headline show inna Pegasus hotel, enoh. Di ooman a try get top a di line intanational career! Tap gi di ooman sang weh drap affa di chart fram whappy kill phillup an bring har up to di forty-first century! Cho r@@s man!

Ranny: Yes, a true ting mi wife a seh. Leggo di reggae pan di crowd Tessy, but noh sing noh more sang to mi caah yuh a cause worries inna mi house. Love yuh bad, bad, bad!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) You two are a funny bunch. You can go now and Miss, go easy on your husband. It was just fantasy.  Moving along. Sir, would you like to share your views on any of the contestants of the show? 

Ringo:  Trus mi, a nuff tings di Don waan seh still but hear wah…mek a seh sinting bout di yute weh name James Worl-Pit or whateva im waan name…

Boardlane TV: Do you mean James Wolpert, sir?

Ringo: (Shrugs) Yes, dah punk deh! Mi waan fi know weh di blurtneet di bredda goh tek aan high note weh im cyaan manige fah? Di yute set fi goh high wan time an mi swear im sh!t up im pants. Mi bet any money seh im all buss out im pant cratches pan di stage an dem haffi change im roun a back deh. BLURTNAUGHT! Di bway nearly buss up mi ears drum to banana trash!

Boardlane TV: So clearly you didn’t like his performance, ah?

Ringo: No Star! Adam mite as well gi im wan lollipop an sen im home to im mumma fi Chrismuss. As far as mi si, a ongly Tess wan fi deh pan fi im team. Waste a time di whole lot a dem!

Boardlane TV: You held back nothing at all for sure. Thanks for the comments and we have just enough time left for one more person. Let me grab this young lady with her shopping bags. Miss, Boardlane TV reporting. Would you like to share with us your take in the top 10 performances on the Voice?

Nino: Ah yes, that show! The highlight for me was when Usain Bolt show im face fi seh im come fi support  Tessanne. Bad enough di yankee dem haffi get a buss assin pan di track an now Usain Bolt come pan di Voice fi mek di whole a di singas dem know seh Tess ago put aan more buss assin pan dem Jamaican-style! Lawd, it noh pretty!

Boardlane TV: So you think this is going to be another win for Jamaica, ah?

Nino: No question bout dat! Mite as well dem start line up di podium an get ready fi hice up di flag backa Tessanne and mek shi sing di national antem. It is going to be an Olympic style victory where Tessanne wins by a long-slide. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV: Who do you think will be the runner up?

Nino: (Kiss teet) It noh matta mi enoh lady, soh as long as di whole a dem come dead laas backa har, in the name of Jesus. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV:  OK, there you have it. One viewer has just predicted a win for the Jamaican songstress by a “long-slide” – whatever that means. This is Wendy reporting from Portmore shopping plaza. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  November 19th, 2013
 

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It!A Soh It Goh & A Soh Dem Gwaan!

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the books A Soh Wi Do It! & “A Soh It Goh!”. She recently completed her  third book “A Soh Dem Gwaan!” . Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances – http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/