“Since 9/11/2001 Nu Yauk has been on a downwad spiral”
Hallo hall hoff mi wonderful an fateful fans, ow iz hall hoff uno doin?
Well a ope uno iz doin well. Miss Dulcie juss get back from ar trip to de big ole Happle an bwoy no hask if he nevva haff wan hole heap a wum.
Lorks haff mercy, me nevva cuss an carry on so much inna alla a fi mi bawn life.
Iz wey wrong wid dem de City folk do eh? Dem bonks dem head or what?
Dem get me so rahted an custed miserable de whole ime me dede.
Yu a go dung de street dem a try fe shub you traight inna de miggle a de road. Den if dat no bad. Yu a drive pon de road and dem a hact like sey dem pon de Monte Carlo race Track. Me dear, dem too nerve rackin fi me.
Me go de fi promote me radio show cyall, “Tap Show-off!”, so RJR put me up at de Four Seasons Otel, Lorks what a posh place!
Hevryting inna a dat de place so stocious an gran. Lawd me fraid fi siddung pon anyting, ‘caus me no wan haul ‘n’ pull hup dem luvly design dem. God Bless dem all de same….
Hevery eveling de next door peple, wan elderly couple, dem wan fe chat me eaze hoff, me no haff de heart fe tell dem sey me haffi prepare far me show, so mi siddung de inna de lobby widdem till mi fall a sleep an start wan piece a raucus snoring. Iz wen de concierge bell start fi ring den me realize iz time fi go upstairs. Den de two senior citizen dem gawn a de karaoke lounge fi live it up till hall owers a de mawnin. Lawd peple is strang in dat de town.
On de days we wasn’t flimming de show , me go fi check hout suma de sight dem. Me an Missa Fowler go to de Museum an some a de peple was so rude dem no heven gey yu a chance fe go inna de place dem jussa bore thrugh de line, no “hexcuse me” hor a likle finnesse. Wan gal mash mi cawn pon mi big toe an nevva did sey sarry. Well a dress ar dung yu see. Wen me dung wid ar you culd a did drop wan pin inna de hole place. She pick up ar shopping bag wey look like wan grip an run to ell outta a de museum. Lawd Jesus! Ms. Dulcie mek headline pon museum row! Eh…eh!
Poor Missa Fowler feel shame, Im disguise fe imself inna dawk glasses, a talk bout. “Why you haffi be so ruff wid de peple dem? “ Me jus kinely ansa him, “ A fe you cawn dem mash? No! iz fi mi foot givin me all de ell me a look far, so no get sofie, sofie pon me aall hof a sudden!!“
Dat was enuff fe cool fe im puddin.
Hafta we lef de Museum, we decide sey we a go do sum shoppin so we go a de top shoppe dem. Man, de sales peple dem was rude, crude and lewd. We wait in line wan longo, lala time an de merchandise dem wasn’t heven dat fabulocious. Aldough me see de native dem a kill hup dem self over de tings dem but dere waz nuttin to write ome
about, me see betta stuff inna Miami to bragg bout.
Wan lady who look like she cuden even mash ants, grab a frock houta wan brute of a tall oman hand an de two a dem tart fe cuss an carry on. What a show dem put on. An dese are not fenke-fenke peple dese are peple wey “have“. Me tink sey hevry bodie inna Nu Yauk iz unda serious pressha an hit is getting to all a dem.
Anyow, me an Missa Fowla mek a likkle stop fe get sum aerated water an a pastry at wanna dem cutesy street side café. So we siddung dere sipping on we drinks an me waz henjoyin de trimisu…, trimsu whatever dem cyall de sweet bread. It nice man, it really eat good. Me look dung de road, me see dis very ferulaceous girl chile comin dung de lane wid a tiga pon a leash, in a white fur coat and dark glasses.
Apparently, Missa Fowla glimpse ar to. Im sey, no Ms. Prudence daughta dat from outta Spanish Town, me ansa im “No man cyan’t be, afta wen me de last see ar she was just a likkle bit hof a ting.”
Hanyhow, de mischievous Jamaican cum hout inna me, so me cyall hout “Prudence Daughta!” den me tun to Missa Fowla an hask im wey she did name again. Im say, “Maxine”. So, me call hout. “Hi dere Maxine!”
She top fi a secon den look Missa Fowla an me hup an dung, “Do I know you folks?
So me start fi speakie-spokie, me say to ar “Well dat depends, are you Maxine Cocharanga from Spanish Town and is you modder Prudence Cocharanga who run the fowl coop dem?
De girl yeye dem get wide hopen an ar mout drop. She started stuttering, “I d-o-n-’t k-n-o-w what you are referring to, I am an Elite Model an I have been living abroad for many years and I have just returned to the United States, you must have me confused with someone else.”
De tiga tart fe get restless, she was a get annoyed, an me was sure she was Prudence daughta. I doughnt know what cum ova me, but a blame hit pon troublesomeness, me spill de bockle hof coke pon ar white coat an she cus two dutty, raucus, Jamaican badwud. It wuz worth de effort. Den, I knew she was Jamaican.
I say to ar cum again? ……..Yu eva been to Spanish Town?
De gal retract ar memory….“It was so long ago, I was but a baby…and my mother has passed so I don’t remember too much.”
Den de real Jamaican accent start fi cum hout, “Mi maximilion coat is ruined.” I tuned to ar and said. “Doughn’t worry honey, Ms. Dulcie is good for dat an more, ere iz mi cyard, haff yur peple cyall my peple. It’ll be taken cyare hoff. No mek dis dryland touris attire fool yu.”
I continued, “We rememba you, ow you used to play in a de fowl coop dem an climb hup on de fence an wave to hevry body haz dem pass by pon de street. Why you hidin you roots girle chile? It iz what makes you de beauty dat yu iz.”
Missa Fowla start fe tap me fi shut hup, but me couldn’t elp myself, me juss haffi palaba, “All diss ya jungle stuff iz not you, izz what odder peple tryin to impose pon yu. Doughn’t mek dem hinterpret what you ar, be yuself an you star will shine hanyway.”
She wasn’t ready to ere what I waz sayin to ar, cause she bolted outta dere like she ere news. But all I knoe iza shame. Ar muma was a “dung to erth” person an she wuld tun inna ar grave fi knoe ar pickney mekin ar self an hediot.
You knoe, Nu Yauk is a wandarful place, filled with culture, fashion and de arts, however, dere are so many distractions an hiff you doughn’t haff a propa foundation dis city culd realy distart you view hof life an yuself.
On me visit inna Nu Yauk me fine hout sey mos peple ar caught hup wid tryin fe keep hup wid de Joneses. No one hiz content wid bein a regula person and hevryone tink dem iz a Supastar an we all knoe what happens wen too many hens try fi rule inna de roosta……Bacanal!
De bottomline iz, peple love crazy. Dat’s why dem mek nuff t-shirt dat sey, “I love Nu Yauk!”
Till next time, dis is Dulcimer Peaches Robothom telling it like it is . Tek cyare and rememba to halways be uno self.