The Titanic was about to set sail from England with hundreds of Jamaicans aboard. Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wife.
Fitzroy: “Airight baby Love ..tek care til mi come back yuh hear…yuh done know sey when mi reach a Englan’ an get mi papas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice zeen”
Wifie: OK mi suga plumps, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea, if mi eva hear sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh…and Fitzroy memba fi sen money pound fi mi an di pickney dem when yuh ketch a New Yark.
Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the “Sea Love “ sound system. The “deckhall” crew was partying like it was 1929. The ship was owned an operated by the Pot-head Neiga People (PNP) . The ship’s Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big spenders on the ship.
CAPTAIN:“Hi Madam Portia Simpson, yuh looking lovely wid all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe an a soh yuh fat an rosey… Hey PJ, mek wi kip wi fingas cross – no riots and deck blocks on the ship so far eeh? (wink, wink)
PJ: Dat is because a don’t announce di fare increase yet.. but I will have Omar deal wid dat layta.
At the controls on the upper deck were SAMMY and RUPERT. Both had been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.
SAMMY: Di Bleeze Naught place cold eeh Rasta ,…kiss mi neck!
RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke ..if mi teet dem noh tap rakkle mi boun’ fi loose bout 13 a dem to bluse an skirt!
SAMMY:A wonda how far wi deh now.. wi noh suppose to soon reach NewYark’.. How much a’clack yuh have boss?
RUPERT: Half pass ten and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di ship suppose to dock roun 9:30..but wi noh too late ..9:30 is ‘bout 11:30 Jamaican time.. soh wi pon track sed way.
SAMMY: Is wha dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert? (pointing in the sea)
RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey? ..It look like a one oversize snow cone. A wonda a wah?
SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a one rahtid ugly looking sinting..yow mi a go phone di Captain. (He radios) Captain Barkley ..one snow cone ina di way sar ..what is we to do?..*hova han hout *
CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Ina di sea?
SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar.. afta mi noh know a what it is sar
The Captain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he yelled: Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG ICEBERG!!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!
RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do.. it nat gwine move outa di way!
CAPTAIN:Bwaay don’t back ansa mi, mi seh BLOW DI HARN! ..
So Sammy did has he was told and blew the horn
SAMMY:Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah.. why wi noh jus lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side fi get roun di snowcone?
CAPTAIN:Airight do yu bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure an memba seh unu a drive di ship unda suspended license so do – tek unu time.
Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right. The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on top of each other…Some panicked: ”Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try yuh bes jus let mi aff mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya”
Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the ship came dangerously close to the iceberg.
CAPTAIN (trembling): “Eternal fada bless our land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi bout fi si pinnie walli up inya”
SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn’, wi dun safe ..wi a go mek it man .. a years mi a drive ship!
And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.
RUPERT:Respec! ..what a wicked one wheelie dat was.. (pointing at the Captain) kiss mi cackafart! Di Captn piss up im pants!
They all laughed and hugged and dapped fist as a sign of relief.
The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: “Ladies an genklemen ,dis is your Captain speaking…we about to land ..a mean about to dock in about anoda half hour. Sit tightly and tenk unu for sailing the Titatnic..your continued patronage is always welcome”.
** The moral of the story: Had it been Jamaicans on the Titanic, it would not have crashed and sunk. It would have reached England late but it would have gotten there in one piece, nonetheless.
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and author. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. She is currently in the process of writing her first book to be released soon.
© J.C. Wright, Springdale, Maryland
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the books “A Soh Wi Do It!” & “A Soh It Goh!”. She recently completed her third book “A Soh Dem Gwaan!” . Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances – http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/