Boardlane TV has learned that House Speaker John Boehner’s 35 year old daughter, Lindsay Boehner, is set to marry Jamaican-born Rastafarian, Dominic Lakhan. Reports are that Speaker Boehner is not happy about his daughter’s choice for a fiancée. But how do Jamaicans feel about this union? Boardlane TV took to the streets to gauge reactions. – (This is a Parody)
Boardlane TV: Excuse me sir. I am looking for some opinions on a story we are following. The Speaker of the house is about to be the father-in-law of a Jamaican Rastafarian. What do you think about that?
Ruddy: SEH WAH?! Mi noh know a who dem enoh, sistren. Yuh have a pictra fi show mi?
Boardlane TV: Sure! (Showing him photos) This is a photo of the Boehner family and this is the photo of her Jamaican fiancée. As you can see, he is clearly a Rasta.
Ruddy: Kiss mi neck! (Singing) Guess who’s coming to dinna…Natty Dreadlocks! Bway, di bo-bo dread ago create inta-racial HISTORY to rahtid!
Boardlane TV: Why do you say that? There have been many Dreads who have dated Caucasian women before. This isn’t new.
Ruddy: Look yah man…di puppa orange and di gyal look orange to. Dem deh people noh white! Im ago bi di fus Ras fi marrid inna orange family. (Laughing hard) If dem eva have any pickney, dem a goh have color like carrot an pumpkin. Wooiiiii!!
Boardlane TV: Fair enough. Thanks for your comments, sir. Now you Mister, do you have an opinion on the relationship between Speaker Boehner’s daughter and the Jamaican Rasta?
Kirk: (Shaking his head) Weh mi waan fi know is how dis Dread tek up imself an gaan mix up imself wid poli-trikcian pickney. Mi a bun a fiyah caah Boehner is a man weh nat even waan legalize di herb much less fi have weed head inna im family. Mek im tan deh til Boehner get a immigration man fi dip im blousecut back a yaad!
Boardlane TV: That’s interesting but maybe the relationship is a real and genuine one. What do you think about that?
Kirk: (Kissteet) REAL?!! Di dread nat even real to brown daaag. Di man all a nyam Sausage McMuffin fram MacDonald’s an a drink diet Coke! Everyting bout dis ting circumspect. Mi naah feel dah wan yah a-tall, Jah know!
Boardlane TV: LOL. Thanks for your candid remarks sir. Let me get another opinion from this lady. You look disturbed. What do you have to say about this relationship?
Miss Delcy: Yuh know something noh smell right wid dis ting yah.
Boardlane TV: Why do you say so, miss?
Miss Delcy: Mi is a very old woman but mi have plenty wisdom inna mi head. How comes dis rasta bway penetrate disyah big family soh easy an im anoh smaddy important? Mi mine tell mi sey is Portia Simpson set up di bway fi fren up dis gyal fi get favors fram di US govament.
Boardlane TV: I am lost. What are you talking about?
Miss Delcy: Portia a tek time mash up Jamaica an a run it inna bankruptcy. Shi plant dis Rasta inna di govament fi im fi try get farrin aid fi help bail har out of har worries. An shi prably set im up fi beg Boehner fi gi Jamaica a bly fi sell ganja to di US fi lickle an nutten. Mi have a clear vision pan wah a gwaan. Dis is a undacova plan.
Lisa: (Intervenes) Lady, mi noh tink nat a bloody ting goh soh caah mi hear seh di bway did get lack up fi weed an Bona is a man weh a fight gainst di herb bad. Di Rasta bway start aff pan di wrang footing arredi. (Throws her hand in the air) Lawd Gad have His Mercy an like how Bona soh dyam bawly, bawly…a now im ago bawl.
Boardlane TV: His name is “Boehner”, pronounced “Bay-ner,” not “Boner.”
Lisa: Well a “Bona” mi call im caah im is a blasted bone head! An come een like di dawta is a bone head to caah weh shi a do wid a rasta man? Shi noh know seh dem noh partake inna powk nyamings? Di whole a di Bona dem come fram Ohio an mi know fi a fact seh dem grow roun nuff Hag Farm inna dah State deh.
Boardlane TV: Really? I didn’t draw that connection with the State of Ohio and pigs.
Lisa: Yes missis. Dem people deh nyam powk like it ago goh outta style. Di hag dem inna Ohio even have dem own Twitter account to how dem popular. But mi noh bizness wid dem. Mi have bigga tings pan my head but dat deh Rastaman betta study di runnings before im get sheg an en up a live pan Hog farm wid Bona. Mi noh know how Tanksgiving dinna ago work out fi di dread!
Boardlane TV: You learn something new every day. Thanks for talking with us. Well folks, it appears that the Jamaicans are skeptical of the sustenance of this intriguing relationship. This is Wendy reporting from the streets. No back to regular scheduled programming.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright April 26, 2013
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the books “A Soh Wi Do It!” & “A Soh It Goh!”. She recently completed her third book “A Soh Dem Gwaan!” . Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances – http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/