Why aren’t men’s bathrooms 100% stalls? Like, what is the urinal? Compared to toilets, urinals don’t increase the capacity of the bathroom. What is the cost of dropping some partitions and giving men a lil backdrop? Don’t it get a lil draftee for y’all? I just don’t understand.
Well, one night I woke up and realized the problem was toxic masculinity. That’s it! So many men are pee shy—and it doesn’t have anything to do with their penis size—but you guys still choose to make un-partitioned urinals a thing. Men need to start a petition.
I’m serious. There are so many things men could do in the bathroom if they had a stall. They can adjust their thong. Some men wear thongs. They could adjust their bra. Some men need bras.
Sometimes, I go to pee and I find that I have taken a poop at the same time. You wanna know why that happens? It’s because I eats my fibers and I’m well hydrated. So when I poop I am not like eeeeee oooooo uuuuuu. Friends, my colon is all cleared out. Ain’t nobody got time for the squat and strain.
I was doing some more thinking. You’re welcome. And I thought, imagine if women didn’t have stalls. What if our restrooms were just like men’s where everyone and everythang was out in the open.
You look to your left and Rebecca’s got her period so we can all celebrate together. But then you look over to your right and the other Rebecca is wiping back to front. But she stays wondering why she has constant UTIs.
I’m not pee shy, but I am fart shy. So, sometimes I go to the restroom to fart.
But back to the men and why they need stalls. Men, sometimes you go to the restroom for things other than poop or peep and you need some privacy.
One time, I was chilling with my co-workers and I wasn’t feeling well. So I went to the bathroom to do a personal check-in. That’s when I realized I felt sick because my ponytail weave was too tight. Now imagine if I was a man and my man weave was too tight. Yes, some men wear weaves—excuse me, toupees. But because you don’t have stalls, now everyone’s gonna know your secret. Just out in the open going “Awwww, shiiid my man weaves too tight”. DO IT IN THE STALL!!! Just get in there and fix your man weavebrathong and stop letting everyone know your business.
On that note, #DearWhitePeople: Treat Black women’s hair the way you treat white men’s toupees. If Bob from Accounting showed up with a new rug, you’re not gonna ask dumb questions like “How did you grow it so quickly?” You’re not asking for a feel!
Shout out to all the stallmates who know exactly what’s going down but don’t be snitching or laughing.
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash