Jamaicans.com celebrates 7 years online this month! Our resident linguist Wendy writes about the addicitve Jamaicans.com.
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Jamaicans.com 7 Year High

Seven years ago a drug called Jamaicans.com was manufactured by a wiz kid we will call “X-man”. X-man is the genius behind this new age drug designed to wipe out what’s left of the coherent and sane world, as we know it. The X-man has shrewdly contrived this drug that has become the most sought out drug worldwide since di sensi.

How powerful is this drug? It is known to have an extremely potent and toxic composition of mind-altering elements. Long-term and even experimental users are rendered helpless and defenseless against the power of its grip. At an alarming rate, most users of this drug usually show symptoms of multiple personality, mental and attention deficit disorders, dyslexia, and uncontrollable laughter.

In order to analyze the impact of the usage of Jamaicans.com, let us examine each symptom in detail:

Multiple personality Disorder
Users of Jamaicans.com are known to mysteriously transform from innocent, law-abiding people into ferocious vixens, villains, and wild raccoons by the end of the day. There have been instances where some users ask to be called different names from time to time depending on their mood and what time of day it is. While on a natural high, a user can transform from Cinderella to Jezebel in a matter of minutes! A heavy user can also be converted from Christian by day to devil worshiper by night.

It is not uncommon for the male users to be loving husbands to wives at home and also support two and half girlfriends in the community. They take their multiple personalities of boyfriend and husband very seriously and do not appreciate new users of the drug encroaching on their territory. Male users usually have a distorted memory of how many children they have fathered also. Some days the count is twelve and depending on the situation, the count is down to nine children and one “jacket”.

If you are considered to be a kind and gentle loving citizen, this drug is not for you. You will become irritable with one puff of the drug. Users can be heard sometimes telling other users to “GOH DEAD A BUSH” if provoked or if someone pokes fun at something as simple as the dimensions of their rear end. Some may argue that the more multiple personalities you are able to portray in one day may depend on how experienced you are with the drug and how well you can handle its effect.

Mental Disorder
There have been several cases reported where users of the drug send themselves private messages and respond to their own questions thinking nobody is listening or watching. It is common practice for users to strip themselves of all clothing and expose themselves to all with no care in the world. Some will overdose on the drug and carry on open conversations with themselves for hours.

Customarily users find enjoyment in recanting the days when they were committed to a mental institution. The users spare no detail of their mental handicap. They brag about their daring attempts to light a match using a cigarette or how they cleverly unscrewed a light bulb using an axe saw. They take pride in the fact that they frequently take turns mowing the lawn using a vacuum cleaner. Mental disorder is the most damaging and permanent effect of the drug.

Attention Deficit Disorder
Users often come together to have discussions about their every day life, environment, current events or just to vent about another user who obviously may have overdosed and is “acting up”. But what may very well start out as a focused discussion quickly becomes a session for rock throwing, mud slinging, and tantrums. No discussion is immune to distraction of all sorts. A conversation about goat meat can turn into a debate on how pigs fly, to who the heck are the Osbournes and they may even throw in a question on where in Asia can they find the state of Florida. Without warning, someone may even divert the conversation by slapping another user with some coconut brush or throwing a pot in someone’s head. At this point, all hell breaks loose and the goat meat conversation is now replaced by an all out brawl.

A user of Jamaicans.com does not stand a chance of being focused on any topic at hand. It is virtually impossible for them to carry out the topic to fruition without diversion into a users body part or commenting on someone’s new hairdo.

Dyslexia
Exposure to this drug can cause serious impairment to your ability to read and write. Proper spelling, grammar, use of verbs, nouns and adjectives don’t come easy for users under the influence. While under the influence you will have to be acclimated to reading words spelt incorrectly and sentences lacking structure and logical construction.

Some believe that the inability to think comprehensively is a key indicator that the user has taken the drug in a very high concentration and has lost a significant amount of brainpower. Some users sustain permanent damage to brain cells and never regain the aptitude they once had. The good news is some users are able to hold intelligent conversations on a good day. This may be very well be another sign of the multiple personality disorder side effect.

Uncontrollable Laughter
It appears that the drug Jamaicans.com contains ingredients similar to those found in laughing gas. Users are unable to control their laughter regardless of their environment. The first onset of the mental disorder described above is the sight of users displaying childlike behavior such as, rolling on the floor, kicking and screaming and choking with laughter. It does not take much for the user to spew out an outburst of loud laughter and outrageous cackling. There are several medical terms used to describe these behaviors. They are known as, “BOAL, DWL,ROTFLMAO and LOL”.

The problem is made worst because there are quite a few users that are known to be clowns who seem to get a thrill out of formulating sidesplitting and entertaining jokes. Though most users are fond of these clowns, they are often characterized as crazy, deranged and sick! In most cases when the users are in their state of amusement, they complain about anything from tummyache to backache and some experience severe headaches. Laughter almost seems to be a painful ordeal, however, they continue to crave it. If not provided on a daily basis, feelings of depression, crankiness, and anxiety may occur. Not to worry though, there is plenty of laughter in the ingredients to sustain these addicts.

Jamaicans.com sounds like real bad news and a drug that all should avoid at all costs. Incidentally this is not the case. Since its inception in 1996, Jamaicans.com, has been the “home away from home” outlet for many Jamaicans and Jamaican-Americans alike. The site is captivating and boasts over 10,000 registered members. These registered members are proud consumers of this “drug” and the numbers keep growing.

Personally, I have been a long-term user of this drug and objectively speaking, I really believe this is the best drug there is on the market. Did I mention this is a kid friendly drug? This is the kind of drug your church pastor or a teenager can partake in. Jamaicans.com is on seven year “high” and it is here to stay. It is a drug that comes highly recommended for use 24X7. Just remember if you are going to experiment with this drug, be forewarned – it is ADDICTIVE!

About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.