People Chanting: CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!!
Boardlane TV: Good day sir. It appears that you are at the forefront o f this operation can you tell us what who organized this protest and why?
PampiDon: Yeah Man, a mi yaad mi deh a watch some U-trube an si how di people dem a Egypt a kick up rumpous seh dem waan di man name Burakuta fi come out an …
Boardlane TV: Sir his name is ‘Mubarak’, but anyway carry on.
PampiDon: Yes – im sed wan! Den mi seh to miself, Blurtnaught! Wi noh haffi wait pan electian fi run out di sadomite dem. Soh mi set soh -BAM an call mi bredrin PeppaSkull and BigMac fi set up a ting fi get di massive dem outta road fi lick out gainst Bruce. Dem grab dem bullhorn an drive roun di whole place an tell people dem seh wi a march goh Gordon House. An now wi deh yah by di tousands. Yah man, a soh di ting set!
Boardlane TV: What do you hope to achieve today Mister? Do you expect the Prime Minister to heed to the will of the people?
PampiDon: Who? Trus mi, Bruce an im posse haffi RUN WEH! If dat blouse an skirt green yeye bandit noh lef di govament by midnight tideh, pure backle boom an scud missle wi a get fi bun dung Rome!
Boardlane TV: Why take such violent measures sir? Isn’t it better to see a more peaceful resolution than setting fire to his home?
Deloris: (interrupting) BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY LADY!! Wi tiyad a di suffaration inna wi country! Wi tiyad fi a pay five tousan dalla fi goh watch ‘Busy Signal and Movado’ pan stage show. Right yah now mi well waan a pair a Gucci boot an cyaan buy none seka di oppression Bruce put wi unda!
Boardlane TV: But madam, is that really your concern? Shouldn’t you be more concern about employment and the ability to get good service from the goverment? Sorta like what the Egyptians want?
Deloris: No sah! A di Gucci boot dem wi waan. Emplayment worries a fi people who waan git up a marning time fi wok fi nutten like dem a ally-butten. Wi noh inna dat. Wi a defen di name bran an di A-class cyar an bling-bling. (chanting with a cardboard sign) CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!!
Meanwhile in the crowd, vendors saw an opportunity to sell goods to the protesters gathered in the street.
Benjie: NUUUUTSIE! PEANUUUUTS!! Hundred dalla gi yuh a pack! Hundred dalla! Nuts yah soh! Hi nice lady yuh a buy a peanut fram mi?
Boardlane TV: No thank you sir, we are just here to report the news. Anyway, let me move a little further into the crowd to grab another person to give us an interview. Mister in the Reggae Boyz shirt, come tell us what is the mood of the people as they protest the movement today.
Clive: Well right now wi noh inna noh good mood until wi si Bruce step down. Di man come an pramise fi clean up di corruptian ting an comes to fine out seh im govament wos dan di wan wi jus vote out! Tek far hinstance how di man hangle di Dudus case. Di whole time di man pan Tv a gwaan like a im a Dudus a sleep a night time. Mi seh di man mout did set like when daag nature a rise when im a tell lie. Kiss mi neckback! It come in like di man di a expec a buss assin fram im lova bway if im mek a wrang move. Wi want im OUT! (chanting) CUM OUT BRUCE CUM OUT!
Boardlane TV: Ok understood sir. Thanks for speaking with us. Young man, what brings you to this protest? Your sign reads “Free Di I fram Slavery!” What are the freedoms you seek from the government?
PopChow: (shouting in the news camera) YES IYAH! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN! Wi waan back wi rights fi run red light! Wi waan wi rights fi wok pan bus widout unifarm caah wi a noh school pickney! Wi waan wi rights fi smoke inna heroes park caah a yahsoh wi barn. FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!
Suddenly, other Vendors pass by the camera crew:
Melanie:GLEANA GLEANA! NEWS FLASH DI EGYPT MAN JUSS DRAP OUTTA DI RACE! GET YUH GLEANA GLEANA!
Marcel: Suck -suck and Sky Juice! Who a bawl out fi di sky juice man?! Suck -suck and Sky Juice a sell yahsoh!
PopChow: (Pushing) Hey bway stap brush gainst mi noh iyah! Yuh noh si yuh a rub yuh dutty self pan mi criss Armani shut!
Marcel: Go suck pan a straw bway! Yuh can inna crowd a people a noh expec fi get bounce pan?! Bout yuh deh a rally inna Armani shut. Gwey bway – Yuh a fool!
PopChow: MOVE an GWEY! Yuh sour like! Yuh waan a man tek a Red Stripe backle an mash up yuh head skull!
Boardlane TV: Oh dear! I am not so sure what kind of oppression is going on here with people fussing over Armani gear. Anyway, look like things are getting way to hot out here in the streets of Kingston. Baordlane Tv will take a break for toady. We are expecting to televise the life speech from Bruce Golding who plans to address the nation about this crisis. Stay tuned for that event.
Boarlane TV: Oh dear! Board lane TV has just learnt that reggae superstar Vibes Kartel has been hospitalized in serious condition from a beating he sustained when he showed up for the rally. Witnesses say that someone shouted “SI DI BWAY BRUCE DEH A TRY GET WEH!” Without hesitation the crowd rushed towards the person being pointed out as Bruce Golding and after server minutes f beating, they realized it was not Bruce Golding. We were able to interview one of the alleged attackers on the scene:
Chino: Rasta, mi sarry seh Kartel get caught up inna dis ting cause a man jus si wan light skin bredda a mek a move an tink a did Bruce. Mi self cudden tell seh a Vibes how di man bleach out an ting. Is a bad case of mistaken identity an wi neva mean fi beat di hell outta Kartel. A Bruce wi waan. Kartel fi goh bade inna some sun hot fi real man. Di man white like cows milk to blouse an skirt! Kartel, wi sarry bout dat – yuh hear?
Boarlane TV: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a live broadcast from Gordon House, where Prime Minister Bruce Golding addresses the nation about the recent revolt in the streets of Kingston .
Prime Minister Bruce Golding: Good day my fellow Jamaican citizens.
I was attending to a very private phone call from Dudus when Deputy Prime Minister Kenneth Baugh run come to my office to inform me that there is rioting in the streets. Something to the effect that the people want me to step down from this position. I also get to understand that this is because of what you people are seeing going on TV over there in Egypt. I take full responsibility for this uprising in the streets of Kingston because as the Minister of Information and Telecommunications I should know better than to continue to give poor people rights to cable TV and Smart phone technology. But I will take a closer look into that for the future.
I want to appeal to the church leaders to call church services across the nation to educate the people that in Exodus chapter 3, Jesus commanded Moses to bring forth the people out of Egypt to a land flowing with milk and honey. Nowhere in the Bible did Jesus give any authority to anybody to free Jamaicans from affliction. For God Sakes – now is not the time to be falla fashin monkeys!
Anyway, since as you all have demands, I am prepared to make compromises. Right now I can’t step down because I have pressing issues on my plate like freeing Dudus and Buju from jail. So just so you people can go home and siddung an quite unuself, I am asking my Minister of Foreign Affairs and Foreign Trade to relax the tariff and duty charges of essential imports to the country. On this list of essentials imports for our economy are the Benz C- Class, Volvo S60 and the BMW 7 Series. In addition, I will have him look into increasing other vital imports like J. Crew , Versace, PUMA and FUBU gear. This will ensure the rights of all who love to pose off in name brand goods.
To help the small farmers, I will instruct the Ministry of Agriculture to ensure that local fast food places buy produce from local farmers such as onion, tomatoes, lettuce, gungo peas, coco and renta yam. They may not have immediate use for the peas, yam and coco, but I plan to ask them to put peas soup on the menu. Consdida peas soup as brawta even through it wasn’t a part of the demands. People going around marching and saying I don’t protect basic rights and freedom in this country. All I have to say to that is – those accusations are unfounded! Since I took office, I have been working hand in hand with the Jamaica Broiler Association to increase the production of chicken back and chicken gizzards so families will have the right to have a descent Sunday dinner after church service.
As I said in my opening remarks, I have no intention to step down before the election. As a matter of fact, I doan know when I am going to call for the next election because without me in this office, dog nyam Dudus suppa! I am doing the best I can to support poor people by securing the release of Jamaica’s most prolific Don Man to the streets where he can continue to provide for the people in his community. I cannot provide anyting fi unu. That is not what I am here for. Please try and understand what kind of pressure I am under right now. Before I close this evening, I will throw in wan more ting to please all of you demonstrators. I will throw in 1.5 million dollars that I get from bribes for the next Passa Passa Dance. Dat soun good?
Now you all have a blessed good evening. Go home and don’t let me have to institute a 5’clack curfew.
Boarlane TV: There you have it folks. A very disconnected response from the Prime Minister. Will the people accept Mister Golding’s compromises and go home? One cannot tell at this moment. We here at Boardlane TV are committed to bringing you events as they unfold. Now we take you back to the re-runs of “Good Times” now in progress.
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book “A Soh Wi Do It!”. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
J.C. Wright, Springdale, Maryland © 2011