It is a very common thing to have brush fires here in Florida.  They spread so quickly because of so much empty land filled with bushes.  It’s usually almost impossible to put out these fires quickly.   One bad move can cause millions of dollars of damage to acres of landspace from a brush fire and it is usually unintentionally started.

Michelle and I enjoyed a great day working from home and taking lunch together.  We finished out our working day and headed to church for a leaders meeting.  The meeting ended and Michelle stopped to speak with a friend as I waited.  The waiting seemed endless after a while.  Michelle walked out with her friend and headed in an opposite direction  from where we had parked our vehicle leaving me wondering where she was headed.  I followed and shouted “we are parked on the other side.”  Michelle then asked for me to get the car and meet her over on the other side as she finished her conversation with her friend.  I got a bit impatient and thought Michelle should have communicated better.  Michelle entered the car and started telling me about the conversation with her friend and ‘BOOM,’ I cut her off explaining she should have told me where she was heading.  It turned ugly for a moment as Michelle was turned off from finishing her story.  The cloud was very dark from then on and the night was gloomy.  I apologized and hoped for a change in the weather but not so fast.  I was a bit harsh and she responded harshly.  Fire erupted and there was no extinguisher that could put it out.  Thank God we made it right eventually after moments of unnecessary gloom and sadness.

Marriage relationships will have conflicts.  There is no way to avoid them because you are two different minds and personalities.  The tendency is to try to avoid conflicts and arguments.  It is a great approach but an even greater approach is to avoid an eruption from a small conflict to a house fire that burns it all down with harsh words.  ” A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1.  It is really the response you give your spouse that will TURN away an even BIGGER argument and prevent an unnecessary eruption.   Consider these five responses the next time you have a conflict in your marriage relationship……

“I Am Hearing You Say”

An angry spouse is best calmed down when they are seen and acknowledged.  It creates a mindset that you care about their feelings at that moment.  Fight the urge to argue back.  Instead, train your response into showing you really care about their hurt.  This will calm your spouse down and lead to a better and more peaceful conversation.

“Maybe You Are Right”

As much as you may think you are right, giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt will make him or her feel that you are empathizing with them.  You are not really saying they are right.  You are actually acknowledging the fact that they may be right.  This is a great way to turn away an angry tone of conflict.  You will actually win your spouse over to listen to your side also.

“I Can Understand Why You See It That Way”

When a spouse feels understood they feel appreciated.  As much as you may believe their outlook or opinion is way off, it is their outlook or opinion and there  is no wrong or right.  It is just their opinion.  Honoring the thought is greater than arguing about the thought.   Peace is your aim, not war and strive.  It is not worth it to blow up a small thing into a house of fire.

“I Can Imagine How You Must Feel”

Michelle felt like I cut her off from finishing her point to me while we were driving back from the meeting.  I missed the opportunity to express this response that would have quenched the argument.  empathizing with your spouse’s feelings in the middle of a heated discussion is a challenge but when you overcome that challenge you both win.  The idea is not to argue about why your spouse feel how they feel, but to acknowledge their feelings regardless of your outlook on how they should feel.  This will definitely extinguish any further build up in the conflict and give for a great conversation.

“I Am Sorry”

This is not necessarily saying you are sorry for something you did if you feel you did not do any wrong to your spouse.  If you wronged your spouse then it is of best interest to say sorry.  But to diffuse an even bigger blow up you can be sorry for the way things turned out.  Saying you are sorry will show your spouse you care.  Even though you may not see a bright light immediately, sorry from the heart will begin the process of getting that light turned back on in the marriage relationship.  “I am sorry” usually leads to “I forgive you” even if it does not happen immediately.  Your marriage relationship depends on this response.

It is of such great benefit to diffuse than to blow up an argument.  Michelle and I have learned this truth over twenty two years of our marriage journey and still continue to journey together.  We still have conflicts but we have learned and experienced the truth of Proverbs 15:1.  Apply these responses in your marriage conflicts and watch your dark moments begin to change to brightness.  Huddle up and enjoy each other to the fullest.  You deserve it.

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