Advice & Help

The Other Woman – Who Is She?

She has been vilified as the vixen, home wrecker, hussy and a whore. She has been told that she has no shame, no class, unhappy little tramp, seducer of the poor family man and other degrading names too numerous to mention. Who is she?


Let’s take a closer look at the role the other woman plays. She is the one the husband can talk to when he is unable to talk with his wife. She understands him. She makes him feel like a man and she also makes him feel special. His marriage was a mistake, but he does not know how to end it gracefully. The other woman is his best friend who understands him. She may share common interests with this man. She is independent and is not clingy. In most situations the other woman has no intention of replacing the wife. She’s happy with the arrangement. This makes her appealing unlike the wife at home. Some men are programmed to marry a dependent woman, while secretly wanting an independent woman. They end up marrying the wrong woman instead of seeking what they really want.

Here a few things to consider before anyone begin to criticize the other woman. The man willingly stepped out of his marriage. She did not steal anyone’s husband. This is a common misconception about the other woman. I hope that any wife, who has had her husband stolen by the other woman, has filed a robbery report with the proper authorities. It is interesting to note that a wife is quicker to accuse the other woman of stealing her husband rather than confronting her husband regarding his infidelity. Why is that? Women, who are wives, do not want to see their so-called happy home broken apart, so it is easier to overlook what their husbands did and instead, attack the integrity of the other woman. Some husbands do not want to be married and neither do the wives, but they go ahead anyway. Resentment of the marriage and of each other develops, which leads to possible infidelity. The husband, has a responsibility to his marriage, the other woman does not.   The husband made a vow to his wife the other woman did not.  You do not know what she was told about his current relationship status with the wife.  Yes, men do lie and married men who step out on their wives are some of the biggest liars around.  This is not to say that all married men who have affairs are liars.

Feelings are never black and white.

A friend of mine was in love with a guy who was also in love with her, but he was bound by family obligations to marry the right woman. He got married to someone else, but he was still in love with the friend. It was a very difficult and emotional situation, but she waited it out with him and provided him with support and friendship.  He eventually decided to pursue his happiness.  He divorced his wife and got back with the woman he really loved.  Of course his parents were very disappointed and angry because they loved and preferred the wife, but he was finally happy.

The other woman is sometimes the real wife. Think Prince Charles and Camilla. Camilla was not deemed as appropriate wife material for the Heir to the Throne, so Prince Charles chose Diana Spencer as his wife instead. Diana was a young, innocent woman and Prince Charles had family obligations to fulfill. We all know the story. Camilla was present throughout the marriage, much to Diana’s pain. Diana eventually grew up and pursued other love interests. In the end Prince Charles was able to marry his real wife and pursue his heart.

However, for women who chose to make an adult decision to get involved with a married man voluntarily or involuntarily, make sure you decide on what is acceptable for you:

• DO NOT allow anyone to make you feel less than yourself because you are involved with a married man.  You are both mature adults who have decided to enter into a mature adult relationship.  You both have the ability to decide whether you want to be involved or not.  Children are given codes of conduct from parents; adults give themselves their own codes of conduct to live by.

• You are number one in your world.  Act as such and make sure he knows it.

• Yes, he has a wife, but do not allow him to use that to disrespect you. You are both adults and you can and should set some of the rules of this relationship.

• Know what you are getting into and be clear about what you want out of the relationship because as long as he is married, his wife will be number one in his world.

• He will not leave his wife for you even if he says he will.  In the off chance that he does, make sure he is leaving her for the right reasons and not because he just wants a change.

• If you are developing feelings for him and he is not receptive to something more, please remove yourself from the situation. The same applies if he is developing feelings for you but you do not want anything more from the present relationship.

• If he seriously wants to pursue something with you, the both of you should take a break from your present relationship and he should break up with his wife before the two of you change the nature of your relationship.

• NEVER ask, demand or hint that he leaves his wife because he may become resentful if he feels pressured to do so. That resentment will land in only one direction – yours.


• If at anytime the relationship is no longer working for you, meaning, it is not making you happy or it’s just not giving what you want, feel free to it end it.  Matter-of-fact, not only is it in your best interest to end it, you have the right to walk away from something that is no longer working for you.

Remember, nothing is wrong with loving the way you want to love, but make sure you are happy in the process.

Trudy-Ann Simone, founder of Create Your Passion Enterprise, Creative Life Coach and Author, makes it easy for you to discover how you too can quickly discover your true potential by using who you fundamentally are to create your passion.  To learn more sign up for her monthly newsletter on her website  or join her social network where you can participate in her exclusive discussions on her website

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