Hold up your hand if any of the following scenarios best describes your situation
You have been with man for ten years (or more) and you have a child or children with him but he has never indicated to you that he intends to marry you and when you bring up the topic he gets upset and is quite abusive
You are in a relationship but you and your partner have very little in common and you both engage in more verbal exchanges rather than loving discourse
The relationship you are in involves sex, sex and nothing but sex
If you can identify with any of the above in an intimate way then you are advised to wake up and smell the coffee.
The truth is a relationship that is fickle and has a shaky foundation will eventually fall apart.
Let’s examine scenario 1
The usual response especially from the man is that when the woman gets the ring she behaves differently and sometimes takes her new role of wife for granted.
There is also the argument that the common law arrangement is less rigorous than the marriage contractual arrangement and so the feeling is that either party can briskly walk away from the common law/shack-up arrangement than they can in the marital arrangement.
The woman feels insecure in this relationship and is even embarrassed when her friends speak of their husbands while she refers to her perennial boyfriend as her gentleman or the children’s father.
So Mr. Gentleman prefers the freedom that the common law arrangement brings as he feels he is under no obligation to give up the other woman or women. He will declare himself as free, single and disengaged especially to the women who say, “Mi nah deh wid nuh married man”
Suggestion to the woman in Scenario 1
Pose this question to your gentleman
“If I am good enough to be your child’s mother, why I am I not good enough to be your wife?
A well thinking man will see folly of his ways and do the honorable thing.
Sometimes people get together for the wrong reasons.Money,popularity,status,sympathy
are some of the reasons. Although these are important, they can’t be the sole reason for initiating a man/woman relationship. There must be some compatibility between the parties that transcends the material and temporal things.
One such area of compatibility which is most times overlooked is educational background .If both parties are miles apart in terms of their academic attainment, this can create conflict in the relationship.
The woman who obtained a university education can pose a threat to her husband who only achieved primary school level education. He may be a wealthy businessman but he maybe unable to initiate and hold an intelligent discussion with his spouse and to show her who wears the trousers, he resorts to aggressive means to stamp his authority in the relationship.
Suggestion to the woman in Scenario 11
Don’t use your superior educational standing to intimidate your man. He may retaliate with force to preserve his fragile ego; instead help him to meet you half way by enrolling in a class that will assist in improving his academic qualification. Work with him and encourage him all the way.
If his aggression is out of control then encourage him to seek anger management therapy.
If the only time you and your spouse communicate is through the act of sexual intercourse, then your relationship is held together by a thread that will snap. As soon as one or both parties are bored and want to explore other frontiers they will move on.
Surely the woman in such a situation feels more like a source of sexual release for the man for as soon as he is relieved he heads on home.
Suggestion to the woman in Scenario 111
Ask your self the question
“Is sex the only way I can attract and hold a man?”
“Don’t I have other attributes such as personality, intellect, smile, kindness etc that are just as appealing?”
Put a high value on your self. Don’t allow a man to use you as his source of sexual release. You deserve better than that. You value more than what you have to offer between your legs –sexual stimulation; seek to offer what you have between your ears (brain) – intellectual stimulation.
About the writer:
Wayne A. Powell is a Relationship Counsellor. He operates and Online counselling website which provides a convenient way for both client and therapist to engage with each other from home or office at a time that is expedient to them.You can email him at: cri[email protected]