Have you every heard this statement before, “Women are a pain” or “Men are no good?”
I am sure every man or woman comes across someone that holds onto pain, fails to forgive and release the baggage of past hurts. I am sure that devalues their presence and existence as a human being. We all know every individual wants to feel love. Yet, in the midst of unhappiness, insecurities of ourselves and a broken heart, due to poor choices, we are guilty of saying, “I’ll never love again”. Or we might send out negative messages about the individual that we once loved. But truly deep down in our hearts we desire good love. We desire to be respected. We desire a love that elevates our lives and allows us to feel appreciated. We desire a love that stirs, warms our hearts with passion and brings about a sense of oneness with the Creator. And due to our un-surety, negative comments, behavior and ill words, we many times fail the test, ruin our chances of having that personal relationship we so needed in our lives, chasing our true mate away.
When we are left alone, really alone to see the reflection of our own behavior, nightmares, we have created, we realize all along that it was not truth that was spoken to the self and others that we did not want to be loved. It was in fact that we did not know how this thing call ‘love’ works. The truth is we were afraid to love, to settle because we fear it just won’t work. We have fear of the many disguises that comes along with finding the individual that brings comfort to the mind, heart and spirit. We fear to be in control. We fear being submissive to our partners. Being submissive can be interpreted in the wrong manner if one has not grown, has a sense of spirituality and not reached the degree of how to communicate. Because of our ‘fears,’ and our failure to seek God first, to master growth, we are forever, unconsciously, going into relationships that bring strain, are unhealthy, dangerous and leaving our temple feeling unbalanced and hollow. And so we continue to play the role of in denial, “I don’t need him or I don’t need her.”
At one time in my life I did not see the role I was playing or creating and I was left to myself. My pride allowed me to continue to deny the fact that my patience was thin and that I needed the Creator to be my decision maker. My pride allowed me to act as if all men were invisible, non-existenct and unworthy to be trusted. Yet, I am sure there are a few that are worthy but overlooked. I was covering up my failure of not knowing how to be a good friend, confidant and partner. I was acting as if I was perfect, although I wanted to be perfect but it was impossible. I was making a mess of perfection. I was unable to take my own medicine-advice that I give out almost everyday to others who hunger for the same thing I was in denial of. I began to work on disciplining myself and looking deep within at the source of my feeling. Still it’s not easy working on order in my life; it’s a work in progress.
But I know in the silence of prayer, I see a light; I am aware that my thought pattern is not where it was yesterday as it is today. And through daily mediation and prayers the Creator is renewing my life and allowing every decision I make to be the right course of action, truth and understanding. I know that in time, he will allow me to develop patience and have a sweet freedom of love I truly need.