Live Broadcast: Usain Bolt And Belle Lubica: Reactions On The Streets Of Trelawny (Satire)

Recently, a picture of Usain Bolt and Slovakian born fashion designer,Belle Lubica kissing, started  a wave of charged remarks on the web among Jamaicans both abroad and on the island. BoardlaneTV visited the small community of Sherwood Content in Trelawny where the record holding sprinter was born and raised to get reactions from the residents.  We now bring you the reactions to the story. 

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon young lady. Boardlane TV here live. We are trying to get opinions on the infamous Bolt and Belle kissing photo. Do you have any comments on the matter? 

Vinette: (Hands akimbo) Lady, a troo yuh noh know how di sinting BUN MI! Dah bway deh want a bax cross him face wid mi rubba, flip flop slippas! Afta all  di pretty, black beauty Queens dem weh yuh si pallaaf a beach, why di backside im haffi goh pick up wan white ooman, eeh?! Imagine di shock to mi spleen when mi si Bolt wid im crusty mout pan di White Witch of Rose Hall. Im waan two b!tch lick!  Trus mi! 

Boardlane TV: Wow, you really feel strongly about this. Is that how everyone around here feels about this alleged relationship? 

Miriam:  (Grabbing the Mike) Gimmi dah mike yah mek mi talk pan dis. Mi have wan sinting fi ask. Did dis gyal Belly Lube know dis bway when im did a chase dankey up di hill when im was a yute? NO! Matta a fact mek I ask aneda questions to Miss Lube.  Did yuh know Usian when im did a walk goh a primary school wid im trousis batty tear out and im boot a beg bread? If yuh know wah good fi yuh Miss Belly Lube – yuh jus tan soh back an lef wi prodigal son! Yuh dyam face tuff like dem blastid hardcover book! 

Boardlane TV: Ooohhh that was harsh! Sir , do you feel as strongly as the lady about Mister Bolt and his European female girlfriend?  

Roger: Lady, A fram marning di woman dem out yah a cuss enoh!  Kiss mi mumma! Yuh woulda tink seh a dem Bolt leff fi deh wid di ooman.  What dem doan undastan is dat Bolt gaan worl-wide now. Im ratings gaan international an di man ago waan sample some farrin food. Im cyaan feed pan ghetto meat all di time – it wi bine im up. Im jus a try a new flavor an if im try it an feel seh it noh have enuff spice, im wi dash it weh. Dem fi jus cool an lowe di man. But im betta be careful di whole heap a sample im a tek dowe – im might tek craven an tun roun get pizen! 

Miriam: (Yelling in back) Mek im backside noh come home wid di Gole inna di Olympics! Before im goh train fi win di gole, im busy a pick up dutty Gole-digga! Dis blastid, dish claat bway tink im tun towel… a gwaan like im noh know seh a bush im come fram! 

Linda:  A troo man! A weh di gyal come fram by di way? A di fus mi eva hear bout she. 

Boardlane TV: She is native of Slovakia but she resides here in Jamaica. Does that make it any better? 

Linda:  Nat a dyam! Fus to begin, mi wudden even know weh fi fine dat deh place pan di map. It soun like a some place pan Jupita an dat would explain why shi soh fayva space monkey! Mi noh like har! Bolt did have wan sweet, black girl noh too long and all dat gyal wanted outta Bolt was a lickle smallz fi  put inna wan fix deposit account. Shi did a plan fi buy wan stoosh apartment a Red Hills. Dis gyal wid har agriculture ginga toe, a look deposit fi buy Benz an shi want im fi put har up inna Sandals every week.  

Boardlane TV: How do you come to such a conclusion about someone you do not know, Miss? 

Gail: (Interrupting) Wi noh haffi know har!! A soh all a dem white ooman dem tan! As dem si di black man dem a mek  millions, dem come een like mad bull pan stampede fi henka!  Granted, di whole a wi know seh Bolt is di worl fastess man, but im is NAT di world most handsomess man. Di head im have, it shape like dem gungo peas an im  fayva dem dankey in front a hand cyat. Soh you tell mi wey shi a do wid im, if nat fi di money? 

Boardlane TV: Well, you may have a point there. Miss, you must have known Usian as a child seeing that you are one of the community’s elders. Would you mind giving us your take on this matter? 

Florence:  Yes mi love. Mi use to change im nappy when im madda leff im wid mi when shi goh market. All mi have to seh is Usain is not intelligently circumcised. Mi tink sinting did goh wrang when im a get circumcised, cause im head noh tan good if a really dis farrin, licky-licky gyal im deh wid. 

Boardlane TV: She is a Fashion Designer, Madam. She seems to be holding her own. 

Florence: (Kissteet) Di only fashion shi know bout is “falla fashion!” Shi fi puddung di neegle an tread an goh larn fi cook hog foot soup , goat belly soup, an run dung cause a dat Bolt ago waan nyam any how dem marrid.  Soh help mi Gad, if a neva fi wan ting, a tek a pieca macka stick an beat out Bolt kacka di nex time im come yah. Im tink im too big fi get lick but watch mi an im if im noh lef dat Golgate cola gyal. 

Linda:  A true Miss Florence. Shi fayva dem mash up  tube a Aquafresh! Mek shi goh siddung! 

Roger: Bway unu dangerous noh bax cova! Mi jus hope sey Bolt lickle soljah dem noh run faas like im an goh breed har. Arelse hell pap a Jamaica yah! Di govament woulda haffi gi har security 24/7,  cause dem yah bad mine ooman yah goodly drive truck ova she an di belly an kill aff di ooman. 

Boardlane TV: Well that about sums up how things may get very heated for Mister Bolt if the relationship picks up steam.  Thank you all for being so candid with me. One can only hope that this too shall pass. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Now back to regularly scheduled programming. 

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 15, 2012 

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book A Soh Wi Do It!. She recently completed her  second book “A Soh It Goh!”. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances –

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 8, 2012