So your Jamaican friend invites you to a party and you are scared of being the only Non-Jamaican there. You are afraid that you will stick out like a sore thumb and you have no idea what the Jamaican Cookout etiquette is like. Well, here is a list of things we like and don’t like at Jamaican Cookouts.
1. The invitation says come at 4pm but you should not arrive before 5pm, preferably, closer to 6. Chances are that the sound man (DJ) has not even started to string up the box yet (set up the equipment) and you will be stuck helping the host, unless you like that of course.
2. Do not walk with two long hands. Always try to bring something. However, do not bring food unless the host has asked you to. Jamaicans are very funny about who prepares their food and do not like to eat from strangers. Bring some beer or hard liquor. We like that.
3. Do not dress all fancy. This is not high tea and this is not a nightclub. Comfortable and casual is the way to go. Ladies, do not wear super high heels that make you look like a newborn calf when you walk. We will laugh at you. Also, those stilettos will poke holes in our lawn. We do not want you making animal tracks in our lawns. We don’t like that.
4. Please do not get all fancy if you are asked to bring food. We don’t like to eat food that we cannot identify or pronounce. If you know you cannot cook, just bring some hard dough bread. We like that.
5. When it’s time for the food to be shared allow others to join the line before you. You do not want to appear greedy. We don’t like greedy people.
6. Conversely, if you are on a diet, be prepared to break it that day. We don’t like picky eaters. Jamaicans get very offended when you refuse our food. Unless you are Rastafarian or Muslim, you better ask Miss Betty how she makes her jerk chicken and pretend to like it. Well, you know you really do like it. If eating meat eats at your conscience too much then stick to the hard dough bread, festival or the salad. Be sure to rave about it too so the host knows you are enjoying their food. We like that.
7. Do not go for seconds until everyone has eaten. Before you do though, be sure to complement the chef. They will encourage you to have more if they see that you truly enjoy it. We’re like that.
8. Do not pack a to-go plate unless the host has asked you to. Also, do not travel with Tupperware. If you must, do not take it out your car. Just hang onto the foil covered paper plate until it’s time to go then do a quick swap in the privacy of your car.
9. If the host does not have foil (or is unwilling to part with it) and you did not bring Tupperware, ask for a plastic bag instead. They are great for keeping food filled paper plates together after cookouts.
10. When it’s time to dance, don’t just stand there gawking at everyone. You will stick out like a sore thumb and we will assume you are not enjoying yourself. Do a little rock from side to side. Most Jamaican music is rockable. We like that.
11. Many Jamaicans claim to not love soca but whenever “Tiney Winey” comes on, they forget its soca music. You have to actually wine to this one. Your waistline may not be accustomed to this dance but it’s kinda like the hokey pokey with a twist. Just move with it. We like that.
12. Do not be alarmed if you find yourself with a surprise dance partner. It’s just a dance. You are not being propositioned for marriage or otherwise. We’re like that.
13. It’s great to learn a few dances beforehand like “Pon the River” and the “Electric Slide”. Don’t get all excited if you do know it and want to show off your skills. Just be natural. We like that.
14. Stay away from the “Dutty Wine” and any other dances that involve too much wining. There are most likely children running around and we don’t like people getting too nasty in front of our children. What about the young adults you say? We see them. We are scowling at them too. We don’t like that.
15. Expect to see at least one individual on the dance floor who dances like a possessed cat that just got baptized. We do not profess to know what he was drinking or smoking. We just know that someone needs to get their uncle….fast! If you see this individual coming towards you, do not make eye contact. If they start convulsing like they caught the Spirit, they’ve got a leg in the air and they start moving to the left, make a hasty shuffle to the right. Do this or you won’t like it.
16. The drinks may be flowing but you don’t need to be drinking too much if you can’t handle it. Stay away from the rum punch if you think it’s strong enough to burn a hole through your chest. We don’t like to see people acting sloppy at our parties. Just stick to the beer or wine coolers. You’ll like that.
17. There will be at least one drunk person at the cookout. Do not be that person. We let them have their fun and pity them. You do not want our pity, it’s very pitiful. You won’t like that.
18. Do not join the men in Dominoes if you can’t play. Dominoes is not just matching numbers. It takes great skill to give a man “six-love”. Do not be alarmed if there is a lot of swearing, raised voices, and slamming down of dominoes. This is a “big man” game. Stay away if you do not want to be embarrassed and emasculated. We’re like that.
19. There is always one family member who will talk your ear off. Be polite but be prepared with an exit strategy. Look over there! *run fast*. We’ll understand that you’re not trying to be mean and you’re not like that.
20. Do not go in the house if you don’t have to. Jamaicans love to have people come over their house but never in their house to go “fass” or be inquisitive to see what they have inside. If you must use the bathroom be hasty and leave it in good condition. We don’t like people messing up our house.
21. Most of all, make friends. We don’t like stuck up people. Do not be too talkative or ask too many questions. Just listen. Jamaicans have lots of interesting stories to tell. Ask them about their family, how they got their nickname, or where they are from in Jamaica. Follow these steps and you’re guaranteed to be invited back to the next cookout. They will like you and you will have Jamaican friends for life.
