Good day to our Boardlane TV viewers, we apologize for breaking into today’s scheduled programming to bring you an impromptu press conference called by Asafa Powell. The Jamaican sprinter has felt the need to respond to the frenzy created by Yendi Philips’ announcement that she is now carrying Daniel 'Chino' McGregor’s child. We are at the Pegasus hotel where various TV, Radio and Newspaper media are at the conference questioning Mister Powell.
Culture

Live Broadcast: Asafa Powell Speaks: Reaction to Yendi’s Pregnancy (Satire)

Good day to our Boardlane TV viewers, we apologize for breaking into today’s scheduled programming to bring you an impromptu press conference called by Asafa Powell. The Jamaican sprinter has felt the need to respond to the frenzy created by Yendi Philips’ announcement that she is now carrying Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor’s child. We are at the Pegasus hotel where various TV, Radio and Newspaper media are at the conference questioning Mister Powell.

Boardlane TV: Asafa, tell us how you heard the news that Yendi is expecting a child.

Asafa: ‘Ello an good day everybody. Give mi a moment please, let mi collect miself (Holding back tears). Fus ting fus. Mi is jus a shock as everybody. Wan a mi bredrin wake mi up dis marning an a tell mi Yendi announce pan Facebook seh shi buss a breed fi Chino. Mi tink a joke bizness im a run…but mi jump outta mi bed sed speed an goh check it out. Right pan Facebook to blurtnaught mi si Yendi belly wid five black, stumpy finga pan it!  Yiye wata come a mi yeye sed time!

TVJ: Asafa, did you know that Daniel and your ex were a couple?

Asafa:  Naah! Mi neva did a suspec seh Yendi a do di Gully creep. As a mata a fac,  mi nat even did know seh mi lose di wok. Up to wah day mi clock in a do my time an now mi get fi fine how seh Chino a work pan di case full time plus tax!

Observer: Wait a minute, she says she is 17 weeks pregnant. Are you implying that up until 17 weeks ago you two were still considered an item?

Asafa: (Counting fingers) Mek a si now. Seventeen weeks ago…. minus today, dat is…ahhmm.. Help mi out wid dah wan yah… mi only faas pan di track, mi noh too faas pan Maths. How much days ago dat equal to boss?  

Observer: Forget the question. Just tell us how you feel about the two getting together and now expecting a child.

Asafa: How mi feel? MI BEX! An mi a si RED  an mi mad, sick inna mi head! Fus, Bolt beat mi fi di gole an now Chino come beat mi to di right hole! Naah man! Mi cyaan goh dung soh star! (sobbing) Mi did know seh sumting neva right enoh, caah mi cudden figga out how mi jus a fiyah bare blank shat soh?!  A soh mi shoot.. a soh mi miss. A  di wrang hole mi deh to blurtnaught!

Boardlane TV: Well, as you know Mister Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor is no rookie. He has fathered a child before so I guess he knows just the right temperature needed to bake the bread in the oven. Could it be that you are not able to get rid of your daemons and get to the finish line?  

Asafa: What duppy have to do wid dis matta?! Di fact a di matta is, wi noh know if a jacket shi a pin pan im yet.  Di jacket noh muss fit im caah mi a Polyester an im a Gabadine! Mi a A-Class and im a re-pass! Im cyaan reach my league, soh mi naah watch noh face.

RJR: So would you like a DNA test conducted when the child is born? Is that what you are getting at?

Asafa: No DNA necessary! Look pan my big nose for instance. Dat is a very strang gene weh a come fram my granfaada. All yuh haffi do a look pan di pickney nose and di farrid. If di baby barn wid im nose flare up like wan jack-ass, den a my yute dat. If im barn wid big farrid like di McGregor breed, den a Chino win di race by a buck farrid an a half.

TVJ: How will this affect your mental state in preparation for the 2012 Olympics?  

Asafa: Mi ago tell mi coach seh mi have a very serious injury an mi cyaan run. Mi dun fi di year.

TVJ: You are injured?! Injury to what, may I ask?

Asafa: Mi a suffa fram bruise to mi ego. Yendi an har man mash mi carn an stampede pan mi balls. Dem a willy bounce all ova mi pride. Mi naah goh able fi function inna di race soh mi haffi pull out!

Boardlane TV: Mister Powell, aren’t you going to disappoint you fans by making the decision to pull out this early?

Asafa: (sobbing) Bway, mi noh know yaah man. Mi cyaan tink straight right now caah if mi neva pull out soh blastid quick when mi did deh pan di work, a woulda mi a hold up Yendi belly pan Facebook yah now. Mi gaan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Asafa Powell is visible upset from this news event and has abruptly left the podium. As this story develops, we will try to bring you more. This is Wendy reporting for Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  April 23, 2012

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book A Soh Wi Do It!. She recently completed her  second book “A Soh It Goh!”. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances – http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 8, 2012

About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.