A Dread’s response – Coming to America

A Rastaman trying to enter Canada via Norman Manley Airport. Here are the questions and his Interpretation:

Good Morning, Can I have your name please?

King Dahjah AKA Maka-dread! Hail to Selasihi .. rula of Zion and King of all Kings. It is I who shot di Sherif but I neva shoot di Deputy – JAH RASTAFARI KNOW!!! … flaaaash it!

Allrighty then. Can I have your ticket please?

Well nice lady yuh waan si mi noh have noh ticket yet but mi a look fi buy wan fi reach Newyark, farin

Well Sir, flight 0747 is headed to Toronto.. we are not flying to New York today. You cannot purchase New York tickets at this counter.

Hi lady mi an noh ediat yuhnoh..mi undastan sey unu ago a Toronto but di fare too blastid dare fi fly go dehso..All mi a beg yuh is fi jus sell mi a half price ticket to New Yark an mi wi come aff a dehsoh an walk crass di barda an reach Canada miself.

I am afraid that will not work sir. There are no stop offs in New York and you simply cannot walk across the border.

Unu love si di rastaman suffa – don’t? Yuh caan beg di plane driva fi jus let mi aff a NewYark mek mi fine mi own way a Toronta? How yuh know sey mi caan walk crass di barda? Yuh know sey wan time mi walk all di way fram Denham Town to Clarendan fi get a jook affa Jackiline!

Sir all our flights are non-stop and I am afraid we can assist in that manner.

Yuh know yuh face pretty but yuh characta dutty? Chaaaaah! How much fi di plane ride fi go all di way a Toronto now – eeh?

US $560 or Jamaican $30,0000 Sir.

Kiss mi Mumma wan ratten teet! What a wicked set a criminal unu?! A teif unu waan rasta fi goh teif fi goh farin. Lady look ina yuh machine an try fine sinting cheapa dan dat. A wan blurtnaught hundred dalla bill mi have ina mi packet- yah hear mi?!

$100 cannot get you anywhere in abroad sir. I don’t even think that can get you anywhere even to Negril.

Arite hear mi – tap di blastid renknis! .. mi a try reason wid yuh wan a way an yuh jus a hat up big man structa. Wha bout if yuh jus put mi pan wan a dem small charta plane. Mi know dem deh lickle ants sinting cyan cast more dan $50 a head

That is not an option sir and our Charter planes do have a strict overweight limits.

A bet sey a tump yuh ina yuh yeye tidey. A who yuh a call ovawieght?!

Sir I am referring to your suitcase, not your body weight.

Yow lady nutten noh ina mi grip but tree lickle tam, 1 marina shut, 2 so-so brief, mi big Kette drum and wan ratchit knife. Weh yuh noh tap gi mi aggrivatian an mek rasta praspa.

You will not be able to travel with that knife sir. It is against airline policies.

Tek mi knife if yuh tink yuh bad. Try tek it! Yuh mussi waan mi step crass di counta an beat yuh prapaly! Mi knife a go wid mi – mi noh cayta fi unu an yuh airline POLITICS.

Well I will just have to alert security to handle this situation.

Arite babydoll hole tite! Nobadda call di security bway ova yah cause it look like im love lick an mi caan bada wid di beat dung dis marning. Arite yuh can tek di ratchit knife but noh touch mi Kette drum.

**Sigh** Do you have a Visa Sir?

BLOOD BAUGHT! Dat Blastid VISA questian again? No rasta noh have noh visa..di renking gal a di passport affice deny mi applicatian troo mi black.

In that case sir you cannot fly today without a Visa. Next in line please!

But kiss mi ganja pipe! A weh mi do unu mek unu havi deal wid mi so naasy eeh? MOVE AN GWEY!! Yuh nosehole open up like dem half breed jackass!

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and author. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. She is currently in the process of writing her first book to be released soon.


© J.C. Wright,  Springdale, Maryland