Is losing your partner to cheating really that serious? To me it can’t be because it’s not like you’ll be lonely, you have the person you were cheating with, no? Well, I must be alone in this thinking since movies like Fatal Affair (2020) and others claim that it is.

So much of Fatal Affair was me screaming “Just tell your husband!!!” I didn’t understand why Nia Long’s character allowed a non-incident to spin so far out of control.

For those who haven’t seen it, here’s a mostly spoiler-free recap. Ellie is a married woman who reconnects with David, a friend from college. They go to a club for drinks and end up making out in the bathroom. No, not having sex, they literally just kissed. Well, David got Ellie to remove her drawers but they definitely, definitely didn’t smash. But that was enough for David to become a stalker.

Yes, Ellie should just fess up to her husband and get him to tell David to back off, but she doesn’t. Why? Well, if you watched the film carefully—the devil is in the details in these thriller films, you know.

See, about three minutes into the film, there’s a scene where Ellie is talking on the phone. If you look closely, you’ll see that she’s holding the phone upside down! That fumble alone should have told me to click off the film because homegirl clearly didn’t have a lick of sense.

But nah, I stayed for the drama of it all.

So yeah, after the “affair”, David has stalker mode activated. But Ellie knew this from day one. See, David was hired by Ellie’s firm to do some hacking because he’s Sir Hacky McHackerson.

But not really. He’s the dumbest hacker on earth.

First off, David kept all of his incriminating files in documents on his desktop! Along with plainly naming the files ‘Deborah’ (his murdered ex-wife) and ‘Ellie’, the blasted files weren’t even password protected!

Bruh, a thirteen-year-old trying to hide porn from their parents has better security protocols than David.

Finally, after months of trying to kill her family, we get to the big fight-for-our-lives scene. While scuffling with Ellie and husbae, David ends up hanging from the edge of a cliff. Instead of seeing this as divine intervention from above, Ellie rushes to David’s side and tries to pull him up!

Hold the phone!

After all the stress this man put me and my family through, I would have pulled a Scar and let David fall to his death like Mufassa.

Seriously, if I was Ellie’s husband, that scene might have upset me off so much I would have just thrown her and she stalker lover off the cliff.

Anyways, the moral of the story is always use 2-factor authentication and tell your partner about any and all flirtations.

Shout out to my future stalker; I look forward to pulling a Lion King and chucking you off a cliff.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo credit: Netflix