I needed a relaxer. My roots were grown out, and I had a special event at 7 PM. Although my mom had given me a hundred, I was determined to only spend fifty. So, I rolled up to my semi-regular stylists and put in my request.
Question: Why do hairstylists always try to trash the last person you went to? Woman, the last person was you! It was you and yuh Edward Scissorhands chomping off all my hair when I pacifically asked you to just trim my ends.
My hairdresser then proceeded to try and upsell me on all the oils: tea tree oil, carrot oil, snake oil.
Why stylists be upselling so hard? I came here for a crisp and curl. Don’t try to sell me on no wash and dry. Do the crisp and curl on dis durty hair I come in with. Cha! My wallet ain’t gonna just magically generate more money. It won’t! It can’t!
Choops. She was a fool if she thought I was paying her an arm and a leg to chemically nuke two inches of new growth. This ain’t my first relaxer! I know you just going in the back and mixing up some $10 products.
I tried to negotiate with Rebecca hoping to keep costs within my $50 budget.
“Nah, I ain’t need all them hot oil treatments. What if you don’t style and blow dry my hair? What if you just put in the relaxer and I rinse at home? It need 20 mins to set right? No?? Fine! Amma just go find another stylist to do my hair.”
Rebecca wouldn’t go lower than $60. I threatened her by packing up my stuff and walking out, but she didn’t flinch. Choops.
I needed to get my hair done, and I had less than three hours on the clock.
The same scenario played out at the next salon. At this rate, I might have to—gasp—do my hair myself.
As I lamented to my friend, one of the local ladies of the night (a story for another day) overheard my problem. She offered to do my hair for $40 if I bought my own relaxer.
She wasn’t licensed, and she ain’t had no hair on she own head.
Beloved, at that moment, I was saying: Hallelujer! Sometimes God calls the unequipped to do His good work. Amen?!
Don’t ‘amen’ that.
The relaxer unexpectedly started to burn before she was done applying the creamy crack. I told her this, and she responded, “I just started. Is yuh mind playing games. You ain’t really feeling anything”.
Yeah. Sure. My eyes are watering, but the pain is all in my head. “Yuh affa take it like a woman.”
So, I did. I took it ‘like a woman’ and I ended up with half my hair fused to my scalp!
Shout out to all my naturalistas. Look at you never having to live this problem because you hair is all one big root.
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller‘s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
Photo by Onicia Muller