The wind blew against my face as I stood at the wedding alter. We were by the sea.  It felt really good. The afternoon was cool and the sun glistened off the sea. It was a gorgeous Miami day. There was not a cloud in the sky.  It was the perfect day for us to get married. I was looking at the main building where Rosa would make her entrance. We were at the Italian sixteenth-century style Vizcaya Museum and Gardens in Miami. Our wedding was in the courtyard at the back.  There were guests on both sides of the courtyard which was decorated with red tulips and white. 

I was nervous and kept staring at my mother. She was beaming with pride. I think she wanted this day more than I did. Sue and my other sister Kerri were a part of the bridal party along with Rosa’s sister. 

A man appeared at the door. He shouted “Please rise for the bride” 

Everyone rose. My heart started to beat faster. This was the moment I have been waiting for. 

The harpist and violinist were stationed near the door and started to play “Here comes the bride”. 

Rosa appeared with her father. Her face was veiled in her pure white dress. 

With each step she took closer to me my heart beat got faster. I was sweating inside my suit. 

I felt like I would faint. I started walking towards here like we rehearsed. 

I stretched out my hand and escorted her. I tried not to look at her face but the hand did not feel like Rosa’s hand. 

I looked over to the face under the veil. 

“Dearly Beloved we are gathered here” the pastor started the wedding ceremony. 

I could see the features of the lady behind the veil. It was not Rosa. 

“To marry this man and woman” the pastor continued. 

I took a closer look. 

It was Sherri-Ann Kong. 

“Do you take this…?” 

I blacked out. 

“Wake up, Wake up”, it was Sue’s voice. 

I opened my eyes and saw her staring down at me. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. 

I was in a daze. I was in my own bedroom in bed. It was still dark outside. I glanced up at the clock. It was 3.00 am. 

“Ugh, yes I am okay” I replied. 

“Are you sure” she asked. 

“Yeah man” I replied. I wanted to be alone. 

“Well, you shouted out something in your sleep” 

“Me?” I was shocked. 

“Yes you!!!” 

“You sure about that”, I was embarrassed. Only “mad” people talk in their sleep. 

“I am sure” she replied more adamant than before. 

“You sure it was not the TV next door” I asked. Trying to convince myself it could not be me. 

“Mi seh mi sure”, she broke out in patois which she rarely does unless she is angry and trying to make a point.  Then she added even more. 

“You have been grinding your teeth at night like someone under stress”, 

“Yuh lying”. 

“No I am not” she replied “It is obvious you are under some type of stress” 

I was still in a daze. This news hit me really badly. I thought I was someone who could handle just about anything. 

“Yuh betta guh si wan dacta before yuh hair start drap out” she was back in patois. She was trying to make a point as she left the room. 

My hair falling out scared me.  I had to admit I was under stress. This dream I just had is proof that something is wrong. It seemed so real. There was so much in my sub conscious. I knew how Sherri-Ann Kong showed up in my dream. She was in my sub-conscious because of the party where I saw her husband. 

I was also stressed out because of Rosa. She was furious over the events that nearly got me arrested.  What upset her most was the idea that I was hiding things from her and going out “partying”. She asked me if I had cheated on her now that I was back on the “market”.  Dealing with Rosa was like walking a tight wire. I wanted to tell her that she was spending so much time at school I felt neglected but could not. She had the control in this relationship.  I explained to her that I only went out twice and that Sue could verify this.  She wanted to know every detail of what happened when I went out. What time I came home? Who did I dance with? Who did I see? I understood her being upset she wanted some assurance that I was not going to leave her at the altar. I had to do everything in my power to “patch” things up with her not only because of our relationship but because she was my ticket to a green card. 

Then there was Brian. He was back at work on Monday and was not talking to me. I did not have a problem with that; however the other executive managers who were his friends were also acting strange around me. I had the feeling he said something to them to taint their view of me. It bothered me because I could confront them without any evidence of what he may have said. 

Angela was still avoiding me like the plague. She would walk by me at the elevators like I was a stranger. I would watch her walk by. I would position myself to make it not look obvious that I was watching her. She seems to have taken her wardrobe up another level. Her dresses were appropriate but sexy.  It was tearing me up inside. I remember one day feeling like I would grab her and passionately kiss her right there. 

I was just under a lot of pressure. Why does love hurt so much? Why is my life so complicated? Why was I not born an American? I was now completely torn between two women. I loved them both but differently.  Did I love one more that the other? Sometimes I feel I do and other times I feel I don’t. One was a sure ride to a green card and the other was not. I worked hard at my relationship with Rosa to get to this point. I loved her and the green card was a bonus but I was still in a love daze.   

It is at times like this I think about going back to Jamaica. Could I do it? Have I been in the US too long to go back to Jamaica? What would I do? My father would never admit it but he was struggling financially as my other sister, Kerri, was about to begin university. 

It was not the first time the thought of giving up and going back to Jamaica crossed my mind. I mentioned it to my mother a few times. Each time she discouraged me. She would say “There no real opportunities there”.  She also talked about the violence and more specifically the murders. A few people in the neighbor had migrated because of the growing crime. 

I had a friend who had moved back to Jamaica. He started a business but was plagued by robberies. He was not easily discouraged and beefed up with dogs and cameras. After that came the intimidation and extortion. He was asked to pay a “protection” fee to the Don in the area. He soon learned that one of his business competitors was behind the robberies and the intimation. He resented them coming in on his “turf”.  In fact the competitor came to his place of business and to check out what he was doing. He made comments to intimidate him and made it known he was behind all the “things” happening. 

He closed the business and moved back to Miami. 

+++++

Something had to give. I needed to take control of something.

I am going to confront Angela. I am tired of watching her everyday. I would force her to talk to me.

The night before the confrontation I was sleepless. I did not have a plan. I was not sure what I was going to say. All I knew was that I wanted to ask her what was wrong. It was killing me inside. I wanted the pain of her ignoring me to end. I could deal with her telling me she wanted nothing to do with me. What I could not deal with was not “knowing” what happened.

The next morning I got to work early. I waited by the inside entrance of the building. There was a wall by the door that would block anyone entering the building from seeing me. I was going to surprise her when she entered the door and escort her in.

It was a little awkward waiting by the door. I would peek at the person coming in the door to see if it was Angela. They would look at me weirdly and I would put my head down as to not look them in the face.

I was there for 15 minutes before I caught a glimpse of Angela. I went back behind the wall before she entered. I was timing her entry through the door.

The door opened and I was about to walk beside her when I heard a male voice.

It was too late.

Angela and her husband, Lloyd, entered the building. I almost bumped into them. I put my head down and walked out the building to the parking lot. I was not sure if he recognized me but I saw the look of fear on Angela’s face. I walked to my car and waited.

I watched him leave the building before I walked back in.

That whole day I wondered if he saw me and remember me from school. I would get confirmation that night.

I got home and Sue’s boyfriend was there. She was in the shower and he was waiting on her.

Seemed he had just picked up the phone and quickly handed it to me as I walked through the door. He was in shock.

“Hello”

“Hey *****hole, yuh tink mi neva see yuh tideh. Stap harass mi wife ar a gwen buss yuh **s”

Click. He hung up.

I started to walk to my room. Then Sidney said something.

I did not need any advice especially from some who cheated on their wife.

I did not listen to him. I still despised him.

“Sounds like you having woman problems”

Then he started to ramble about how he was torn between his wife and Sue. It was an interesting conversation as it sounded similar to what I was going through.  It was a one way conversation but I am sure he realized that I was listening.

“Pray and then go with your heart”

Pray? I thought to myself. That is where he lost me. We came to learn that his divorce was still not official even though he told Sue that it was. He was still not an official divorcee so he was technically cheating on his wife and children. He had the audacity to talk about God. I was not an expert on God and have not been to church in years but I am sure he does not endorse this “cheater”.

“Thanks, but that was a wrong number”, I walked to my room.

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