For many men, the thought of a relationship and falling in love can be daunting. You gave your heart and love to someone who broke you into a million pieces and so you swear to never let yourself be vulnerable to that kind of pain again.
In my role as Relationship Coach, I’ve spoken to many such men. When it comes to the break-up of a relationship, men can be just as emotional and hurt as women, and sometimes even more. They don’t always show it, as men are not expected to be emotional, but to be brave, demonstrating strength and masculinity. At least that’s what most cultures dictate. So, after a break-up, a man is not expected to sit and ‘mourn’, but to show strength and continue with his life. So, some men, instead of dealing with their issues, they just grab the next thing that comes along and start over. This is their way of ‘dealing’ with the hurt. But there are those who have closed the door to their hearts and sworn “never again!”
Fearing and staying away from love will only hinder your happiness. You will NEVER enjoy complete happiness without love. Love is superior to ALL other emotions. If you are afraid to be in love again, do yourself a favor, take the risk! But before you do:
1. Stop wallowing in self-pity, this is not healthy.
It’s ok to feel hurt and mourn, as a break-up is a loss, but you should not sit and feel sorry for yourself. Yes, time is needed for healing and introspection you should take some time, but not forever.
2. Do a self-introspection to assess what went wrong in your relationships without placing the blame only on your ex(es).
Remember, ‘it takes two to tango’. Be constructive in your thought processes and do not ridicule yourself for being ‘less of a man’ especially if it was the woman who initiated the break-up. Also, look for similar patterns. Do you always attract women with certain personalities that are not compatible with yours? Compatibility is important when choosing a partner.
3. Forgive your ex.
This is a very crucial step. This is really hard, especially if you were really hurt. This will take time, but this is the only way you will heal and be able to move on with your life, or you will be constantly thinking about your ex and how much she hurt you. Remember, you have to break the pattern.
4. Talk to someone, whether it is a trained relationship coach/counsellor, a friend, pastor, or relative.
Speaking to another male (someone who has a good relationship going) may create a common bond, which will give the feeling that you are not alone in this struggle. Talking with a female will also help as she will help you to gain insights into the mind of a woman, so you will be able to understand women better.
5. Know what you want in a partner.
If you’re not sure what you want in a partner, you’ll choose anyone who comes along. Be specific and confident in your choices. You need to be positive and not use past experiences to form a general opinion of the opposite sex. Do not ‘settle’ out of desperation to find someone, instead be patient and realistic.
6. Prepare yourself emotionally, mentally and physically.
Be emotionally prepared for a new relationship. Ask yourself, “Am I willing and able to put in the effort required for a committed, loving relationship?”
Mentally prepare yourself for a healthy, committed relationship. That is, deal with your unresolved childhood issues and/or emotional baggage from past relationships.
Persons sometimes physically “let themselves go” when they are alone for a while. Groom yourself, exercise, lose unpleasant weight, visit the dentist, etc.
7. Take the risk and open your heart to love.
You should now know what you want in a woman. There are great women out there who desire love and would be happy to accept and love you. When someone walks into your life and loves you the way that you deserve, do not let them go. Not everyone is going to tear you down. The person who loves you right will only want to bring you up and see you evolve. This person will do anything for you, only if you let them.
The kind of love you experience after heartbreak is the best kind of love, so do not close yourself off to the person who wants to show you why it never worked out with anyone else. Do not try to find something wrong when there obviously isn’t. Do not let yourself believe you are not worthy of love. You are worthy. Let this person show you your worth. Love is powerful, but you have to allow yourself to give it the power.
I promise you that you’ll be glad you did!
Olive Patricia Ellis is a Relationship Coach, Dating Coach, Ministry Consultant and Matchmaker with training in Counselling Psychology. She is the Founder of Forty & Beyond Matchmaking Club in Toronto Canada, which offers international services.
Contact Olive Patricia Ellis.
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