Salad was banging until I learned it was cat — Just Being Funny By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller


This internship had the best food; It was free, looked great, and – most importantly – it was hand-delivered by my boss. While most interns go on lunch and coffee runs, here, the CEO herself was catering to me.

I washed my hands and utensils. I cleaned my eating area. So, why was there always fur in my food? Should we be ordering from another restaurant?

Looking around, I realized that the problem wasn’t the restaurants. It was us. We worked out of a tiny home office where I spent most of my day dodging six cats. Imagine trying to conceal disgust when your number one personal objective is to never let a cat get within two feet of you?

Dogs vs. cats? I’m for none! Losing my dog was heartbreaking. Then a cat scratched me while sleeping – that, or a rude rat danced on my face.

I’m never getting a new dog, even if it had a tracker. I already have to grieve my friends; why invite some street dog to break my heart?

On my second day, I purchased a lint roller to use on my chair. I cleaned my area twice a day; In the morning and when I returned from lunch. That black chair had so much white cat hair I initially thought it was grey. What. The. Fur.

Aaand that is why the only cat breed that I like is Internet Cats.

During an outdoor meeting, the CEO pressured everyone to eat. I happily filled my belly while the others sucked air. “The least y’all can do is eat salad. It’s good for you,” said the CEO while petting her four-legged friends. When she went to prep the salad, I followed her into the office/cat condo.

That’s when I uncovered a horrific truth; While mixing the salad, my boss paused to text and PET HER CATS. Worse, she returned to cooking WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS.

When she presented the salad, no one budged. Suddenly, the entire spread came into focus; Everything was covered in cat hair. So that’s why no one is eating.

Rebecca was determined to feed us. She mixed the salad once more and then served us with her bare hands. Yes, a grown woman – who just petted a cat – scooped salad with her durty hands, plated it, and served us. What would you do? I coughed up a hairball.

I opened the chips hoping to enjoy a hairless snack. But then ole nasty stopped petting her cat to pet my chips.

She grabbed a handful, then S  L  O  W  L  Y shook some back into the bowl because she only wanted two at a time. If you only want two chips – JUST TOUCH TWO CHIPS! This is worse than double dipping!

Shout out to the CEO boss babes with the bomb kitty seasoning.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy.

Photo by Nadine Primeau on Unsplash

About the author

Onicia Muller