Live Report from The Royal Wedding (Satire) – Jamaican Style

The week’s most talked about, and widely covered event, has finally taken place. Kate Middleton and Prince William, were wed this morning at Westminster Abbey as College News reported on Wednesday. The atmosphere in London was cheerful as thousands of people gather outside Westminster Abbey to witness the wedding .  Among the thousands of well wishers were Jamaicans. Boardlane TV got a chance to speak to some of the onlookers . 

Boardlane TV:  Good afternoon. Hello! Miss Lady can you give us an account of what you are feeling as a witness to this matrimonial event? 

Lydia:  Hi –  is who you? 

Boardlane TV:  Oh!  I am Wendy, reporting  for Boardlane TV. Tell us how you are feeling right now. 

Lydia:  Mi neva hear bout dat deh statian name Boardlane TV, but anyways. Yes… William an Katrin did a wandaful jab. Dem remine mi a mi own children dem. Ongly ting is fi own dem noh fare aff soh good.  Di wan lilly gyal pickney mi have drap outta school wid belly before shi tun 14 an  mi son  drive wan trolleybus weh noh pay quatty! Dem is mi pickney dem but mi deh yah a watch di Royal couple an wish fi mi pickney dem coulda marrid wid horse an buggy like Katrin and William. But dat naah happen cause dem noh have wan drap a ambition! 

Boardlane TV:  Madam, love them anyway and be proud no matter what, OK?  Let me move on. Young lady in blue blouse, how would you characterize what you witnessed today? 

Rachel: Lady, fram mi barn mi neva witness soh much yellow teet people inna wan wedding. Jesas Gad! Dem need fi invest inna whitening teetpaste man. Dung to di lilly cyaas yeye pickney dem teet dem yellow like corn bread an butta .  Mi only hope dem noh tek wedding photograph an put aan big smile, cause Gad know seh Will and Katrin pictra dem ago pwail to rackstone. 

Boardlane TV:  Oh my. That was harsh – don’t yuh think? 

Rachel: But a di troot miss lady!  How yuh fi cawl yuhself Royalty an yuh blastid teet dem noh tan good inna yuh head.  Dat noh right!  A di troot mi a tell yuh! 

Boardlane TV:  Thanks for your time. Let me get a comment from this young man standing beside you. Young man you seem a little disturbed in your face. What gives?


Steven:  Mi jus a penny an notice seh dem have bout 500 harse a gallop paas wi an outta di 500 a dem,  a ongly WAN black man yuh si inna di parade! A sheggries dat! Jah know! Granted, im did look like any mascot inna tights an di cone hat, but outta di whole a Englan – a wan degge, degge black man dem coulda fine fi inna dis? Dats why di harse fling wan a dem pan im @$$ dis marning cause dem too blinking racist! 

Boardlane TV:  Never even noticed the one black man, but if you say so. Moving on.  Miss,  give us your take on what you witnessed today. Did you enjoy it? 

Bev:  Well, mi enjay everyting excep di blastid hat dem weh some a dem put aan fi come a di girl wedding. Kiss mi backfoot! Nat even ben dung plaza mi eva buck up pan dem deh “wear an lef” hat deh. Wan smaddy weh mi si, have wan hat deh fayva  dem dyam bud ness. Den wan neda wan hat fayva mi granny ole wash basin!  Some a dem shudden even allow fi wear di hat inna di church seka how dem look like sinting mek fi stab smaddy an kill dem. Di wan name Princess Beatrice have aan wan weh fayva wan blastid Octopus a heng affa har farrid. Jesas Gad –  no man! Dem sinting is a sin before Gad an all mankind.


Boardlane TV:  So is there anything else you would like to comment on, other than the hats? 

Bev:  No mam. Dat a di only ting dat did grab mi attention cause everyting else did boring noh fawt.  Oh! Wan more ting! William did look dappa, but dem shoulda mek im kip aan fi im hat. Mi neva know seh  a soh di lickle bway head peel out!  A wanda if im sick?   

Boardlane TV:  Thank you miss. Your comments were very spirited.  Ok let me see.. young man.. yes you ducking behind the crowd. What you hiding for? 

Donovan: (Crouched  behind the crowd) Jus cool noh lady. Noh come ova yah soh wid noh blurtnaught camera  now man! 

Boardlane TV:  Why sir? Are you camera shy? 

Vinette: Lady a mi bredda. Im a hide cause im goh tell im bredrin dem bout im naah come a di wedding an now im a hide cause im noh want im face show pan TV.  A soh im dark an tan. But mi have sumting seh dowe . 

Boardlane TV:  Go ahead Mam. 

Vinette: Yes, I want to know why dem  noh have  noh food stan out here fi wi buy tings fi eat. Mi  deh yah fram marning an neva drink noh tea before mi lef mi yaad tinking seh di Queen woulda have lickle provisions fi wi out yah. A di fuss wedding mi eva goh inna my life weh food noh serve. If  a did Jamaica dis, wan lickle jerk powk  man woulda deh yah fi save wi fram dead fi hungry. Mi seh mi hungry soh til mi tripe a tan up inna mi back! Den dem mek wi a wait  fi how much howa fi si wan lickle dead stock kiss fram Willy Wonka an Flaky Katy. (kiss teet)  Dem is too dyam slack fi people who have money! 

Boardlane TV:  So sorry about your anguish love. Take care and hurry up and get yourself something to eat. There you have it folks, a fine day at the Royal Wedding. We thank all those who spoke with Boardlane TV. Have a great day. 

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book A Soh Wi Do It!. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.

©Joelle C. Wright  April 30, 2011