Yaad fowl asked farrin fowl to be her maid of honor at the wedding and invited her back to Jamaica for the event. It was to be held on a Saturday evening in the sweltering heat in front of dozens of different species of birds from across the island.
Culture

Yaad Fowl And Farrin Fowl PART 3 – The Wedding

Yaad fowl asked farrin fowl to be her maid of honor at the wedding and invited her back to Jamaica for the event. It was to be held on a Saturday evening in the sweltering heat in front of dozens of different species of birds from across the island.

Yaad fowl was in her roost seated on a mango tree branch. By her side helping her get ready was farrin fowl.
Farrin fowl:  Oh yaadie you look wonderful! This is the first time I have ever seen you glowing and so beautiful.
Yaad Fowl: Watch yuh speech farina! How yuh mean a di fus time yuh si mi look soh bragadocious? Soh all dem time yah yuh tink mi di look sheg up an feva dead duck? A dat yuh a try sey?
Farrin Fowl:   Oh no..no no yaadie ..I am just saying you look exceptionally beautiful today and your feathers are extra full and fluffy! 🙂
Yaad Fowl: Oh yuh lucky!  Noh tink sey because mi ina mi bes dress mi fraid fi bax yuh dung… Anyway, yuh si mi girdle anywhere deh? ..Oh si it deh hang up pan di tree limb..pass it gi mi mek a try ban in dah big gut yah.
Farrin Fowl:   Are you sure you want to wear this tight thing. God knows you always have to poop and I am not sure if you can get out of this fast enough.
Yaad Fowl: Nat a prablem farina.. nobady naah go notice if mi leggo a load ina it! It hav extra padding.
Farrin Fowl:   Oh Dear God! You are one nasty fowl! Remember I have to stand beside you so please control the everlasting pooping!
Yaad Fowl: A mek yuh can galang stoosh like MS matty puss soh gal?  Sometimes mi haffi wanda if yuh a really fowl. All yuh do if something noh smell right jus bear an grin an smile fi di camara.
Farrin Fowl:   Whatever! BTW who the heck are you getting married to anyway? I can’t believe you found a husband and a dainty fowl like me still searching for the right cock.
Yaad Fowl: Dat a your prablem ..yuh too blastid dainty dats why yuh caan get noh good Cock. Well mi a get marrid to wan nice fella name Mr Pea!
Farrin Fowl:    Mr Pea?? Now that’s a lame name!
Yaad Fowl: Well im full name a Pea Cock! Im come fram Cockburn Pen ..an misis to tell yuh di troot im is wan BIG cock.. nice and straptin!
Farrin Fowl:   Well Good for you ..I just hope he knows what he is getting into marrying you. You are too much to handle I tell you.
Yaad Fowl:  Well if PeaCock:   caan hangle mi, den mi jus do like moas fowl and move an to aneda Cock.. Plenty odda cock out deh a run wile like mangoose… Anyway come wi get ready fi go now.. it a get late and my cock awaits. **big grin***

They left the roost and off they went down the road to the fowl coob where the wedding would take place. As they arrived at the entrance of the coob, they noticed the groom handsomely dressed waiting by the pastor. The guest all rose to their feet.

Yaad Fowl:  Arite Farrina ..  strut yuh stuff  an galang uppa tap cause dem a get ready fi play  “Here comes di fowl all dressed in feadas”
Farrin fowl:  (sobbing) Oh Yaddie I am so nervous. Look at all those chickens staring at me!
Yaad Fowl: Jehovah Gad ..If a lick yuh, yuh lay right yahsoh! Galang up a di alta mi sey so wi can start di wedding parade! Is wah wrang wid yuh so?! Cho fowl fedda!
Farrin Fowl:   (deep breath, wipe away tears) OK OK..I am going. Dam these shoes hurt!

The theme music played while farrin fowl struggle to walk along the aisle in her high heel shoes. All the chickens were frantically fanning themselves with their wings to keep cool. Yaad fowl then marched slowly in behind farrin fowl, her buttocks switching from side to side.

Mother Hen: (Tears flowing) Oh look pan mi lickle chicken how she grow up to be a nice, fat and lovely fowl. Lawd a proud so til I feel like let out a big loud crow inyah.
Ghetto fowl:  Yes Modda Hen she look arite but it look like yuh daughta a breed…mi neva si a fowl wid gut soh big yet unless dem have couple egg ina di oven :rolleyes:
Modda Hen:  Shet up yuh mout an mine yuh bird beak business… Is troo shi ovadose pan fowl pill mek har belly big soh … yuh too dam outta arda. Yuh maaga behine  coulda do wid a couple a dem fowl pill deh well. 😡
Ghetto fowl:  Modda hen watch who yuh a call maaga cause mi noh fraid fi tek mi toe nail dem an crab up yuh face yuh noh ooman.
All: Sssssshhhhhhuuusssshhh!!!!!!!

The ceremony was about to begin.
Pastor Jancrow: Dearly beloved feathered fowls, pigeons, ducks, cocks and ugly pattoos, we are gadered here to hitch up Yaad Fowl and Breda PeaCock:  . As di good book sey ..”birds of a fedda will aaallways flack tegeda!” Dats is true wod cause Yaadie and PeaCock:   dem is wan of a kine – miserable an cantakarus sed way.. Can I get a Hererereheerr!!

All: HEHERERHEHEEEERRRRR!!

Pastor Jancrow: Anyway mi naah tan up yah lang  mek night ketch mi cause Jancrow noh wok pan Sunday! So if any chicken heads inyah have any objections unu please open up unu beak ar fieva hole unu peace!

A loud Gunshot was heard! (Braaagadaap!!). Everybody ducked and gasped in horror.

Gangsta fowl:  Oh sarry mi tink Pastor Jancrow: sey fi fyah wi piece. 😮
Pastor Jancrow: (visible shaken) Dats why mi noh like come a fowl wedding yuh noh cause some a unu behave like a set a Jancrow! **kiss beak**
Yaad Fowl: (getting up from the floor)  Hey Crow foot bway! Tap friten mi soh man.. Heavens! Mi sey mi jus flash back to when Maas Winfred a chase mi troo di bush a  buss shat afta mi.. a try kill mi fi goh mek chicken soup fi im lang belly pickney dem…cho!.. Carry on yaah Mr. Jancrow sar…. An dis becareful weh yuh a sey cause obviously wi have some bad breed fowl up inyah.
Pastor Jancrow: Arite sista fowl..OK as lang as nobaddy noh have no ammunitian ..eehmm mi mean objectian, I now pronounce unu Cack an Hen…di 2 a unu may swap spit an hug up now.

As the two reached over to peck, a sound came from the rare of Yaad fowl, followed by a stifling Stench!

Mother Hen:  (Fanning) OH Cackafart! A what dat?! 😮
PeaCock:    (shouting angrily at Mother Hen)Afta a noh mi a fart ooman!! Whe yu a call up mi name fah!
Mother Hen:  Yuh hear mi call anybody name sah? All mi ask is a wah dat!
PeaCock:    Oh troo mi hear yuh sey Cack- a –Fart..mi tink a mi yuh a sey a fart up di place.. But Yaadie is what yuh nyam before yuh come a di wedding… Sinting smell like dead cow.
Yaad Fowl: Sarry deh.. dat was a anxiety fart.. mi did a hole fi so lang dat it jus let loose unexpectedly soh.
Farrin Fowl:   And you had to let loose right in my face. That’s just sick Yaadie!
Yaad Fowl:  Di nex wan, mi ago leggo it right ina yuh mout if yuh noh shut up! Excuse dat outburst all …I can assure yuh dat it won’t happen again.
Farrin fowl: Good! ‘Cause you could have killed us all in here!
PeaCock:    Well is nutten fowl medicine caan cure ..right mi dawling chicken pot stew?
Farrin Fowl:   You wanna bet? They have not invented a cure for that kind of nuclear gas yet. I should bottle some of that gas and take it home and sell it to our US government. I bet they could wipe out all of Russia with that rotten smelling nerve gas.
Yaad Fowl: Pastor Jancrow wi dun in here sar cause I doan know why wi up yah a chat bout poop pan mi wedding day. It come in like pooping tempa is a big time crime nowadays. Fram I was laid \o/
Pastor Jancrow: Yes sista fowl .. mi dun fi di day but mi haffi sey fram mi a pitch pan dead meat in all mi years mi neva smell nutten tink soh yet. Yuh sure nutten noh dead an bury ina yuh gut?
Farrin fowl: If a mi like yuh mi noh mentian dat wod tink wid di same mout again yuhnoh ..cause it look like sey yuh noh know nutten bout Listarine. Beg yu close up di ceremony mek I gwaan back I roost wid mi big black Cack yuh hear.. brite!
PeaCock:    No darling.. a noh time fi goh a roost yet.. wi still have di receptian fi kip.
Farrin fowl: Do we have to? My feet are warped and soar from all this standing.
PeaCock:    Farrina… yuh realize sey yuh a di only wan inyah wid boot? Which part yuh eva hear fowl a sport pike heel boot. Jus tek aff di boot and tap tun yuself ina papy show!
Yaad Fowl:  Pea.. anoh lickle time mi tell har sey fowl an boot noh gree..but a soh she stoosh an galang like har meat can mek KFC.
Farrin Fowl:    Say what you want but my feet will not touch this fifthly ground. Do we really have to party? I want to go home.
Pastor Jancrow: Yaadie.. mek a ask yuh sinting. Yuh neva tell yuh maid of honar dat di bird breed dem yah a Jamaica noh ramp fi party and trow dung big bubbling? ..Sarry miss farina but yuh can galang back to roost if yuh waan .. but sessian haffi run tinite.. wos like how mi si wan Sexy lickle Pigeon ina di front seat a batt a yeye afta mi.

The chatter was interrupted.
Gangsta fowl:  So wait deh ..a soh unu a goh tan up deh an chat all day when time a goh an wi waan buss two chune and drink two liqua?
Yaad Fowl:  Hole and deh Gangsta.. receptian ago start in jus a second..jus hole yuh wing an noh fyah noh more shat inyah.
Farrin Fowl:    Well I will just sit and watch. I can’t manage the dancing in these shoes so I will just make myself comfortable right here.
Yaad Fowl:  Well dem sey white fowl caan dance anyway .. so mite as well yuh siddung.
Farrin Fowl:    Oh whatever yaadie .. by the way before you guys do your little shenanigans, where are the horsd’oeuvres?
Yaad Fowl:  Hors wha???? A what dat yuh jus ask fah? Harse manure?
Farrin Fowl:    Forget it yaadie! Just go do your thing I will be over here.
Pastor Jancrow: AriteYaadie.. unu gwaan ina di miggle a di fowl coob mek wi start dis party right.

———-
The cock led his bride to the dance area while one of the guests placed a CD in a little boom box.

Pastor Jancrow: OK party birds ….wi ago start di session.. an wi gwine mek Bredda PeaCock:   and yaadie gi wi a lickle bubbling sample… Selecta play track 5 pan di CD chamba deh.

Track 5 starts playing (By SilverCat)…
 
A 2 fowl a mi yaad one a cack an wan a hen
but di cack a put mi ina prablem
Mi decide fi sell di cack
but mi naah baadda sell im again
cause a gif fram mi parents dem…

On the dance floor to everyone’s amusement, Yaad fowl was doing her “Peppa seed” moves. All the chickens crowed her on. She then turned her back to PeaCock:   and started showing off her wining skills. As she danced with no care in the world, Farrin fowl looks on in disgust.

Farrin Fowl:   Look at her, she has no shame whatsoever. She doesn’t even notice that her girdle has slid down to her toes.
PeaCock:    Tek time wid mi Yaadie .. yuh noh know all mi can hangle is di chicken scratch…. an beg yuh draw up yuh drawz to ..
Yaad Fowl:  Come aan PeaCock:   man …move yuh foot to di rydim man. If yuh caan hangle dis den a how yuh ago manage mi lickle more ina di nite?
They were suddenly interrupted:
Pastor Jancrow: No disrespec PeaCock  but move fram affa di dance floor cause yuh naah gwaan wid a ting. Mek yuhself useful an goh ask di fowl a di bar fi a Jancrow batty an carry it come.. mek I tek care a di wifie fi yuh.
PeaCock:   Kiss mi chicken [email protected]!.. yuh  know who yuh a talk to Jancrow!
Pastor Jancrow: But a who yuh really a style as Jancrow lang beak bway?!
Yaad Fowl:  Hole an a minute.. fi your infamatian yuh is a Jancrow di laas time mi check! An mine how yuh a talk to mi husban infront a mi before mi pluck out yuh two yee dem.
Farrin Fowl:   Holy BirdCage! Here it comes.. somebody is going to get hurt for sure.. I don’t know how I got mixed up with these unruly birds
PeaCock:  :   Come aan yaadie … a full time wi lef. Get yuh farrin fren an come wi lef fram bout yah.
Pastor Jancrow: Yes Fly away!. All mi did a do a try get a lickle rub fram di sistren an unu a galang soh. Yuh si all unu .. when unu dead mi nat even ago pitch pan unu cause unu a some dutty bungle!
Yaad Fowl:  Farrina grab yuh boot an come an.. wedding done. Wi ago back a roost before mi damage smaddy inyah.
Farrin Fowl:   Thank God!.. OK here I come….(running) Hold all your guns please…

They hurried out of the coop and left all their guests behind.

PeaCock:   What the chicken grease was that about?! Yaadie mi did warn yuh nuffi invite certain breed a fowl a di wedding cause dem a crassis! Si how yuh mek di peal head Jancrow mash up wi wedding day.
Yaad Fowl: So yuh a blame mi now eeh? Weh di baxide yuh did deh when mi did a put di wedding tigeda.. Yuh ina rum bar wid yuh lickle shart stumpy Cack fren dem.
PeaCock:   (turning to Farrin fowl)Yuh hear dis ole fowl dowe eeh Ms farrina?!
Farrin Fowl:   Look, as you all say in Jamaica…” fowl don’t business ina cockfight” .Don’t get me involved in y’alls mess.
Yaad Fowl: Is arite man .. As Gad as my witness..nex time when mi a marrid .. mi ago uppa Courthouse…an I will neva tek up myself wid aneda wucklis an Dysfunctional Cack.

About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.