A Dread Response – At the hospital

Rastaman is stabbed in a confrontation and takes himself to the hospital. Here are the questions and his Interpretation:

Can I help you sir?

Lady yuh si mi bleed out baxide a yuh ask if mi wan help? Ooman stap di lali-gagging an call di Dacta fi aparate pan mi now ..

Sir yuh have a stab wound to your forehead. Don’t you think an operation is quite extreme for such a small injury?

Ms Renkniss..mi can pay fi di aparatian yuhnoh ..noh troo yuh si di dread look mash up ..mi Great Gran unlcle dead lef him four cow an tree hag dem fi mi. Mi can sell dem an pay fi di aparatian… so stap renk yuh self!

Sir no need to be rude. All I am trying to tell you is that your injuries are not that serious and all you would need is a few stitches and you are on your way.

Jesas Christ mi sey!! Ooman if mi did waan stitches mi woulda drink nuff wata an run up an dung an get stitches ina mi side…Mi sey call di Dacta mek im come aparate!!

Sir I am not talking about that kind of stitches ..I am referring to the procedure where the doctor closes the wound with a thread.

Kiss mi  Lang balls — Wey yuh sey?? Tread?! Unu tink mi a ediat fi mek unu hem mi up like mi a smaddy frack tail. Mi noh waan noh tread ina mi head!

Well sir ..this is the only form of treatment for an injury of your type. Unless you want us to just wrap bandage around your head.

Gad almighty ooman yuh si mi a bleed to deat an yuh a affa mi band-aid? Lawd Gad mi a go dead inyah an all because mi refuse fi mek unu run sewing machine ova mi head!

Lawd of mercy..sir we don’t use a sewing machine in the procedure. It is a medical procedure used all over the world and is done with a needle.

Well unu can use di neegle pan mi unda wan canditian!!!

What is that condition sir?

It haffi have likkle troops a Guinness Stout  ina it..do mi a beg yuh mi sistren..DO!

Sir are you out of your mind?!

Naah mi noh outta mi mind yet.. wance mi get di lickle buzz den mi wi sky high an outta dis universe! Yes iyah!! Rasta-fari liveth!

Sir I am afraid we can’t help you at this hospital. Please leave. NEXT!

Sey WAH! Afta mi pay mi taxes unu can fix up mi farhead! Yuh si if mi dead outta street. A gwine come back as a wicked duppy an bax out yuh teet when yuh a sleep! GWEY! Unu is a set a mongrel daag!

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and author. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. She is currently in the process of writing her first book to be released soon.