Arrested StingRay Speaks (Patwa Style)

Good day to you all, there has been a wave of news reports surrounding the arrest of the suspected StingRay in the Steve Irwin case. Earlier news reported the arrest of the suspect who calls himself “Stinga-Ray”. It was learnt that the Stingray is an immigrant from the island of Jamaica who was in Australia on a farm work program and was on the job cutting seaweed in the Ocean when the incident happened. Boardlane TV has just learnt that the suspect is about to issue a statement. We now turn you to that live feed from the queensland coast.

Hey dah mike yah on? Sound man tun up di valume deh mek di people dem hear mi good an prapa .. tun up di base an lowa di treble deh to zeen? Arite – respec!

Well hear mi now massive an crew out deh… Mi neva mean fi kill di Ausie Bredda Steve Austin ar wey im waan name .. but tings get outta control when dis likle friten yute an im tite up sharts jump pan mi back an a sey sinting bout “howdy Mate”? Yuh si mi as yaadie sting ray tink sey when im sey “Mate” a man fren im a look ….soh mi stab im blouse an skirt cause bad man Stinga-Ray noh run dem joke deh—yuh noh seeit!

A work mi a work cause mi deh yah pan a program an a noh easy ting fi unda wata all day lang a chap up di naasy seaweed dem. Di bredda jus jump outta im boat an jump an pan big man an mi feel im leg rub up gainst I an mi rue fid dat! Mi reflex jus mek mi tek up mi stinga an gi im wan stab in a im chess! When mi si im tek it out a im heart an blood start shoot out like wata fram fyah man hose.. mi sey BLOUSE AN SKIRT it look like ima dead to rastaKlat! Mi coulden tek di pressa weh dem put pan mi fi kill im.. soh a swim mi a swim back a Yaad now an police carna mi a di barda!

As mi sey mi neva mean fi stab im but as a Yaad yute a man jus cyan jump pan a nex man back wid tite up sharts an noh expect fi get dead! Selasi-I know. A wan lickle mistake mi mek so mi a beg pardon cause mi have a half dozen pickney an tree wife a yaad fi feed ..mi need di lickle farm wok. Do mi a beg unu si wid mi.”

An there you have it folks.. a live confession and explanation for the events that took place in queensland coast. Now we return you to your regular scheduled program


  • Joelle "Wendy" Wright

    Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances. Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life. Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.

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