GPS Navigation System – Jamaican Style Part 2

Devon is about to catch a flight back to NY from Norman Manley airport and approaches a back up miles away from the airport. He is driving a rental equipped with GPS Navigation and decides to use it to get out of his predicament.

Devon:    Man it come in like disyah traffic a tun stale mate to rasta-fari! Mi naah ketch mi flight if a soh wi jus a crawl a galang soh.. A wand if a GPS yah now bout back route. Mek a try it out an si,…

GPS:    (in sexy Voice) Welcome! This is Catrin at your service.. Where can I take you today handsome?

Devon:   Fawt! But disyah GPS naah joke! A how it know sey mi a face bway.. a wanda if camera ina it? .. Helllo sweetie pie dawling … Yuh waan si a airport mi waan reach but troo di traffic mi wan yuh tek mi troo di back road dem ..yuh can do dat fi mi baby love?

GPS:   Nat a problem suga lips.. Do mi a feva an Ansa di fallwaring questians 1) How faas can yuh drive unda pressa? And Do you have a living will wid all a yuh dead lef updated?

Devon:    Sey wah? Wha dat havi do wid yuh a gi mi directions?

GPS:    Well yuh sey yuh waan back road an mi jus waan yuh fi know sey yuh havi go troo some bad man territory an when gun start buss… eida yuh gwine havi drive like mad cow or yuh  gwine tek a cap ina yuh azz!

Devon:    Puppa Jesas! Soh wait yuh noh gat noh adda way dan fi sen mi ina bad man area fi go a di airport? Mi noh ina bullet dagding tidey a tall ..laas time mi do dat a when a Indian bredda buss a shat affa mi when mi did a try rab im liqua store. Mi nearly p!ss up myself.

GPS:    Well now is di time mi park an go p!ss pan di roadside cause yuh mite havi dagde nuff bullet tidey an it soun like yuh have week blaada. Yuh naah lef mi ina noh renking cyar tidey try yuh bess go pee-pee fram now.

Devon:    Why yuh havi mek it look soh sistren? Arite gwaan gi mi di direction an mi wi pray fi di bess.

GPS:    Memba mi warn yuh.. Ok si if yuh can shoob out yuh han an mek di cyar behine yuh know yuh ago mek a lef turn.

Devon:    OK mi ago shoob out mi han now.. Oye Big man! let mi troo deh! But a weh di Blood cup dem a laff affa … Man unu ease back  mek mi paas noh man! 😡

GPS:    Excuse mi how yuh mean why dem a laff affa yuh ..look pan di han weh yuh a shoob out. Noh tell mi sey a nail palish dat pan yuh finga nail dem. A what a gwaan? Yuh deh Pan di DL ar someting… A shoulda know fram di way how yuh drap earring ketch dung a yuh knee cup!

Devon:    Look yah noh Catrin – res yuhself an jus gi mi di directian outta dis place. Mi naah kip up noh argument wid yuh bout mi chice of accessories.

GPS:    Ok whateva yuh sey..Is always di pretty wan dem …aah sah. Well go up North pan Eslie Rd and another mile down, you make a left on Teri Lane.

Devon:   Ok..sounds good. So how yuh know bout dem places here? Been here a lot?

GPS:    Yes been here plenty times an seen a lot but neva ina my GPS days mi eva si a man a wear nail palish an  wan lang eva ear-rings look like sinting yuh can tie out cow wid.

Devon:    So mi ears-ring a badda yuh so much?

GPS:     Yes very much.. it is a distraction an frankly I am a bit worried.

Devon:    Worried fi what?

GPS:     Yuh ago dead tidey an mi havi wikniss it

Devon:    What yuh mean by dat?

GPS:     If dem man a Matches Lane si yuh wid dat deh breeda earrings dem nat even a go waste dem bullet pan yuh .. dem ago tie yuh up pan wan almond tree an beat out yuh kacka!

Devon:    What eva woman! What nex.. mi mek di turn

GPS:    Stay straight an yuh si whe dah stap sign deh? .. yuh ago approach Matches Lane. Mi would advise yuh fi sey 2 prayas an look straight.

Devon:    Afta mi noh fraida noh bad man. Who? **kiss teet** Bad man cyan fear a nex bad man – yuh noh seet?

GPS:     Oh so yuh a bad man? Or did yuh mean batte-man…which one?

Devon:    Yuh a step paas yuh place enoh woman. Lowe di I an jus mek sure yuh get mi to airport as I owksed yuh.

GPS:    OK…As mi sey to yuh arredi drive faaas troo matches lane an hole yuh head straight arelse mi cyan pramise sey yuh a ketch a airport tidey.

He speeds up to 120 miles an hr.. plops into a few deep potholes

GPS:     Oyyeee Maasa mine yuh pap aff di axle cause if yuh get stuck inyah .. a dehso it dun!

Devon:    No worry yuself man .. a ristocrat driva yuh a look pan .. yuh noh si sey mi soon clear matches lane… Look pan duss a falla back a mi!

GPS:    Tank gad fi small mercies .. a di duss yuh a kick up bline di bad man dem fram si yuh toor di winda! Cut troo St.Vincent RD an head West afta di junction

Devon:    But Catrin it come in like mi si dem a set up road black up yanda!

GPS:    Den yuh noh bad man … Yuh fraida lickle Roadblack?

Devon:    Yuh a tek dis ting fi joke .. Mi sey dem a black di Rd up deh so man ..tell mi wan nex way.

GPS:    Well di only way is fi tun back an go back troo matches lane. So yuh tell mi weh yuh waan do.

Devon:    A wah kina almshouse directian dem dis yuh a gi mi. .. it come in like yuh a set mi up fi get rab  tideh.

GPS:    Rab? Kiss mi frack tail! Yuh a worry bout man a rab yuh? Mi noh tink yuh look ina di mirror before yuh lef dis marning enoh cause if yuh tink a rab dem ago rab yuh bout yah… yuh have a nex guess coming.

Devon:    Mary madalene mi a fret to baxide. Mi tink mi feel lickle pee-pee a come dung Catrin. Weh mi fi do..Do noh mek mi goh back troo matches lane.. Mi wi do anyting fi yuh ..Do mi sistren noh mek mi goh back troo deh

GPS:    Lawd Man. Wipe aff di nosenaught affa yuh tap lip an get a hole aff yuhself. Pay attention! Stay focus. If yuh sey dem black di RD yuh noh have way fi go but back weh yuh a come fram. Start tun di cyar round an drive faas like mad!

Devon:    OK love…. Mother of Madonna! Mi si 2 bway a come out wid dem gun,. Weh mi fi do.. Weh mi fi do.. wooooiiii

GPS:    Ok Jackazz. Why nat try tek out di ears-ring an tap look like pappy show. Maybe dat is a solution to yuh insanity.

Devon:    OK Ok ..Mek m tek it out..

GPS:     Good..Buff out yuh chess now an deepen yuh vice if dem stap yuh.

Devon:    Ok wan a dem a come up to di cyar …..Hehem!! Yow star what a gwaan. Unu a hole dung di fort? Yeah Man. A unu run tings ..big up unuself sed speed. Ites of Ites –selasiyi. Buyaka!

GPS:     Bo Jesas! What a bloody fool! A mek ima ova do it so

Devon:    Shew! Dat was freeking close! Dem look like dem a saffas dowe.. Di licke yellow teet bway maaga so til mi  coulda bax im dung wid mi wan finga

GPS:    **cutyeye** Yuh coulda fool mi! Arite since as yuh noh dead .. Turn lef at di light an mek wi go up Penn Ave. Fram deh so wi can ketch pan airport Rd pan di battam en an yuh on yuh way.

Devon:   Really? That is freaking Awesome! Tank yuh Catrin ..a coulda kiss yuh up!

GPS:    No braba braba ..Nat wid dem deh mout. An word of advise.. Since yuh gat so much suga ina fi yuh tank… di nex time yuh a go a airport yuh need fi get police motorcade escort yuh an tap ask GPS fi back route… **cutyeye** Signing off!

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and author. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. She is currently in the process of writing her first book to be released soon.

© J.C. Wright,  Springdale, Maryland