Try Walking In My Shoes – Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 100

The conversation with Rosa did not go well. Not only was I resentful that my mother asked her to talk me about my business marriage, but I still had some “pent up” anger about how our relationship ended. I could have married her for love and we would not be having this conversation. She had no right to try and talk me out of this. My mother had no right to bring her into this.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Rosa asked.

“Rosa, I don’t think this should be any of your concern”, I responded.

“Why? Are you saying that because we are not together anymore?” she replied.

“No, because we have our lives that we have to live”, I replied with some sarcasm. I really wanted to say yes and how we could have been the one getting married.

“You are acting like when we were together. You were always try to avoid your true feelings and telling lies”, she replied.

What was she talking about? I asked myself. I needed to change the tone of the conversation and end the call.

“Rosa, I know my mother put you up to this but there is no need for you to be concerned,” I stated.

“I know our relationship did not work but I always cared for you. You are making a bad decision,” she replied.

She hit a nerve. I had to respond.

“If you cared for me why didn’t you marry me? This would not be happening if you did”, I asked.

Rosa was silent.

“Did you hear me? Why didn’t you marry me?”, I asked again.

“You didn’t love me. I never felt I had all of you.” She replied. “It felt like you were settling like I was not the one you wanted. You would eventually cheat on me.”

Rosa came to our relationship with baggage from a past boyfriend who cheated on her. She was projecting it on me. It was an awkward moment. I did not know what to say. She sounded genuine about her concern and there still seems to be some deep feeling. It was almost like she was opening a door. It was a door I was not going to walk through as I had been there already. I wasted years thinking we were going to get married. I needed to stay focus and get this business marriage done.

“Rosa, I appreciate your concern but I will be okay. I am getting married and nothing is going to stop me. You can tell that to my mother.”

“Okay, good luck”‘ and she hung up.

I thought to myself.  

“No one gets it. No one will understand what I go through. Until you have walked in my shoes you don’t know how I feel as an illegal alien. The frustration of always looking behind your back, constantly lying, having deportation hanging over your head, not being able to travel outside the USA, having to be careful of what you disclose in every conversation and keeping it all bottled inside.”

I called my mother that night.

“Why did you have to involve Rosa?”, I asked her.

“I know she cares about you and don’t want you to make a mistake”

“Don’t you understand what I am going through living like this?”

“No, I don’t but if life is so hard come back home instead of getting married for a green card”

“What am I coming back to Jamaica to do? This is the only option I see”

“You should not do it. I am not coming to the wedding”

It was like talking to a wall. She did not understand what I was going through. She was not going to change her mind about what I was doing. I was not going to stop the business marriage. I wanted my family there so it looked legitimate but if they don’t come then so be it.

For the next 3 days I tried to tell myself that it did not bother me that my mother was not supporting me. I supported her during all these years my father cheated on her. She cried on my shoulders or called me. I was always there. I thought she knew the frustration I was going through being an illegal alien but it became clear she did not.

My mother called me 4 days later. She was different. She was excited about the wedding. She acted like our conversation about her not coming did not happen. She did not mention Rosa. She was now fully on board. She would be coming to help plan the wedding.

I later learned from Sue that my father had stepped in. He told my mother she was to back off and that I was old enough to make my decisions. He told her this was my only hope at a green card and she should get on board. My mother and father had some long discussion about it. Sue said my “business” marriage seems to have drawn them closer together.

I don’t see eye to eye with my father on most things. I know he was still cheating on my mother but I was happy for his support. I was happy he changed my mother’s mind. I was happy she was coming to the wedding.