Reggae Boyz Beats USA in CONCACAF Gold Cup semifinal- Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

USA took on Jamaica’s Reggae Boyz in the CONCACAF Gold Cup semifinal game on July 22nd where Jamaica came out on top with a 2-1 upset over Team USA. The streets have quieted down from the jubilation but Jamaicans are still basking in the after math of the victory. Boardlane TV is live in Portmore, Jamaica to get reactions.

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from Portmore and I am standing next a jubilant supporter of the victorious Jamaican football team. Why don’t you tell our viewers how you are feeling this morning about Wendsday’s game.

Sheldon: (Pumping fist) Watch mi now peeple.. mek mi put it like dis. Di REGGAE BOYZ goh a farrin an drive wan blurtneet GREEN bus inna di fuss half and den park wan big duty YELLOW truck inna di second half and den BLACK out di US team to bombawt! (Yells) GREEN, YELLOW AN BLACK TO DI FLIPPING WOLRD WI SEH!!

Boardlane TV: Wow! What a way to put it. Who impressed you the most in the game?

Sheldon: All a dem perform pan tap shelf level, sistren. Truss mi… if dem neva preform dem way deh.. wi bruck dem foot as dem step pan Jamdung soil. Wi noh tek buss assin fram USA lightly soh caah a wi fi run football pan dem yute deh. Weh dem know bout football like wi? Big up to di man Mr. Schafer. Nuff respect! Di old white head man slew dem to bombeet!

Boardlane TV: I thank you for your comments. Nicely done. Miss, come here and give our viewers your take on team Jamaica’s victory.

Merna: (Yawns) Excuse mi fi yawn lady but mi neva sleep too good laas night. A roun 9 a’clack inna di night mi get call fram mi bredda fram quite a Hinglan a hosk if mi if mi si how Jamaica beat up USA inna football match. Troo mi soh use to di blastid, wuklis bway dem always a fling weh di game dem mi neva set up fi watch it. Soh mi jump outta mi bed sed time an ask him: “A serious medz or a joke binzness dis??” Lowe an behold a true sinting to kackafawt!

Boardlane TV: Yes, it is indeed true. So have you celebrated with friends since you got the news?

Merna: Well, mi neva do nutten much fi celebrate odda dan as mawning light mi git up outta mi bed and start mek some “Reggae Boyz” grater cake fi sell. Yuh know how dem Jamaicans yah wi buy anyting now weh seh “Reggae Boyz.” Any adda day dem bruck an pauperish but mi know tideh dem a fine money fi buy any old fawt caah dem inna good mood. Money haffi mek tideh.

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Moving right along. Young man you are true patriot decked out in your Reggae Boyz jersey with the number 11. Tell us the significance of your support for number 11.

Bruce: Well lady I am a big supporta of numba 11, Darren Mattocks. Wi use to call im “Natty Matty”. Mi a falla im fram di time im deh pan di Portmore United football squad an mi glad seh a im put wi up one love inna di game. When mi si “Natty Matty” goh soh an flick in a heada inna di goal mi head start raise like duppy tek set in deh to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Explain that. Head raised?

Bruce: Yah man! When people seh dem head raise dat mean dem feel proud. (Puzzled) A weh yuh come fram? A farrin TV station dis mek yuh know dat?

Boardlane TV: (Smiles) Just wanted you to clarify for the viewers so they don’t think you became daemon possessed. Let me hear from this other gentleman. How do you feel about how team Jamaica represented?

Dillon: (Excited) Wiked match!! A yah soh  noiceee!!! A maddd ting!! Up up up way up!!!!!! Straight up like 7up! A wi seh wi team swaggerific and terrific! Wi shell dung an tun up til wi buck!! Wi goh deh fi drink milk wi noh goh deh fi count cow! A werk wi werk…wi noh come fi jerk!

Rohan: (Laughing) But a bare slang disyah bway deh pan like im an Elephant man a fuss cousin. Mek I ansa di question yaah lady.

Boardlane TV: Go right ahead.

Rohan: A soh dem shoulda a gwaan long time. Last year di Jamaica team neva did a gwaan wid nutten! Dem did look soh blastid bad dat mi a wanda why dem neva recruit some ooman fi play fi di team. But fram mi si di performance wid dem an Argentina coming down, mi know di man dem annoh buck up dis time. After all dese years wi finally bus USA ass! Tank yuh Faada!

Boardlane TV: Good stuff. Come here young lady, you are just dying to say something. Speak to me. What’s on your mind?

Juliet: (twirling her long weave) Would you marry me number 17, Rodolph Austin? Would you be my one and only baby daddy? And if yuh seh no .. can yuh get di goalie numba fi mi? Im body tun up an look trang deh dowe!

Otis: (Steps in annoyed) Sweetheart, do you even watch football? Goh wan side an tek weh yuh blastid cunnu-munu self affa di people dem TV statian! Blinking nuff like powda puff!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir why don’t you close out the interview for us.

Otis: (Grabs the mike) All mi haffi seh dis mawning is …dem did seh wi was di under dog. Under dog like unu MUMMA! Mi si all a man a di game a wear Barcelona shut like im did deh a look fi Messi. KMRT. Unu a gwaan like unu noh rate wi but Reggae Boyz buss up head and buss up goal net! Who did doubt wi an jump ship .. unu si seh di ship still a sail. Goh tell every man an woman, young an old seh di Red White an Blue juss get dem ass whoop by di Black Green an Gold! Mi dun talk! (Drops Mike)

Boardlane TV: Oh Jesus, did you just drop the expensive mike on the ground sir?

Otis: (Picks up the mike fast) Sarry! Hush! Mi did get too excited. If it expensive it noh suppose to mash up. Seet deh it still a carry sound.

Boardlane TV: Anyway folks! It was a pleasure bringing you live reactions from proud Jamaicans on the streets of Portmore. Until next time this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day. Go Team Jamaica!

© Written by Joelle C. Wright July 23rd, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

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About the author

Joelle "Wendy" Wright

Joelle "Wendy" Cohen Wright is an author of character-driven Jamaican sketch comedy. She developed her love for sketch comedy after enrolling in a speech drama club in a Kingston primary school, where she won countless awards for her theatre performances.

Joelle is fast becoming one of the Caribbean's well-loved comedy writers. With her irrepressible sense of humor and a flair for dramatics, Joelle's writing style has the right comedic timing that is sure to induce laughter through her storytelling abilities in Jamaican patois. Ever the natural comedienne, she adds a fiery jolt of pure comic bliss to her series of characters and hilarious interpretations of Jamaican every day life.

Her first collection of sketches, "A Soh Wi Do It!" was published in 2010 and made rave reviews from readers across the world. The author dedicated the following years to penning the hilarious come backs entitled, "A Soh It Goh!" and "A Soh Dem Gwaan." Joelle holds a post graduate degree from the University of Maryland, University College, MD.