Well that seems to be the repeating mantra from all the single ladies I know.  The look on my face upon hearing this is always the same. It’s a look of surprise wrapped in sprinkle of bewilderment and a dash of ludicrousness…it’s a strange look I tell you. Anyway, I find myself pondering this statement a lot recently, not only because I am hearing it more often but also because I just don’t buy into it. One of my friends went as far to say “because you are married you don’t understand.”  That comment always tickles me because I think it’s evident enough that given I am married there are men out there. Come on, I didn’t grab up the last available guy on the market.
Commentary Jamaica Magazine

No Good Man Nuh Outdeh

Well that seems to be the repeating mantra from all the single ladies I know.  The look on my face upon hearing this is always the same. It’s a look of surprise wrapped in sprinkle of bewilderment and a dash of ludicrousness…it’s a strange look I tell you. Anyway, I find myself pondering this statement a lot recently, not only because I am hearing it more often but also because I just don’t buy into it. One of my friends went as far to say “because you are married you don’t understand.”  That comment always tickles me because I think it’s evident enough that given I am married there are men out there. Come on, I didn’t grab up the last available guy on the market. There wasn’t some big final sale that I camped out overnight outside of “men’s warehouse” and walked away with the last man on the rack. Before you get fresh, he ain’t damaged goods either.  I refuse to believe that the existence of mankind depends on my now two year old son.

Seriously single ladies, I was single not long ago so I know what the pool of men look like. There are the smart ones and the dumb ones, the rich ones and the poor ones, ambitious and the lazy ones….you get my point. Unfortunately, when you throw the net in you won’t always come up with a man that houses a nice mix of the characteristics that you have long since embedded in your head that your dream guy must have.  See ladies, like I said I wasn’t always coupled up, so I understand your plight… well to an extent. I certainly understand that we want what we want and we shouldn’t have to settle, but let me tell you something that I am sure you must have realized. THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN…men…THERE IS NO PERFECT WOMAN either. I am sorry to burst your bubble but it is what it is and until you come to that realization you will forever be singing the tunes of a single woman. I am not saying you should drop your standard, what I am saying is be realistic. Every woman should have a certain criteria that they refuse to budge on, I do. So if its religion, education or finances go ahead make them but when you are making them be careful that your end result doesn’t end up being a man that doesn’t exist.  There are women who refuse to even date a guy unless he has money, have a house and a car, a degree and a good job, goes to church and God fearing, no baby mamma/children or never been divorced, never been arrested, romantic, loyal and honest.  That list is just what I can remember it goes on and on. Whenever I hear them I can’t help but roll my eyes.

Ladies if we should note all our requirements we would see how ridiculous and at times unattainable they are, but yet they are what we use to judge our men by. I say we because I was there, but then I realized I am going to die a lonely woman if I don’t adjust my standards. Ladies notice I didn’t say lower, I said adjust meaning if you find a guy who is ambitious why can’t you trust and hope that he will get the house and the top notch job eventually. Dare I say that you may also contribute to the purchase of said house that you both will enjoy? I can’t tell you what you need to change or work around or yes even disregard because what I dig in a guy may totally repel you. However, what I can ask of you is that you are realistic and stop hoping for a man with qualities that you yourself don’t even have. The next time your answer to why you aren’t dating happens to be the lack of a good man, you may want to take a step back and assess what you call a good man because darling trust me if perfect equals good you are  jolly well out of luck.

You Asked…

My boyfriend and I are separated after being in a committed relationship for 5 years. During most of the five years we shared a home with his seven year old daughter. His daughter and I have developed a close relationship that I would like to maintain but because of the bitterness between me and my ex I am not sure how to go about this. Any suggestion on how I should approach this? Mel

I Answered…

Hi Mel, I think it is rather sweet that you want to maintain the relationship. I would tackle the situation head on. In my opinion it should have been addressed from the moment you guys were deciding on who kept the television you bought together or how the bills were going to be separated. You know what I mean it’s that important in my eyes. There is nothing more to it than just asking him. He has every right to say no and there is nothing legally you can do about it. In this case you just have to hope and pray that he can see beyond the bitterness between you two and think about the interest of his daughter. Providing the bond you two had is a positive one I can’t see why he would refuse especially if his daughter is hurting from not seeing you.  When propositioning him try to not to approach him in anger and try starting out with a plan that won’t cause a conflict between you two.  Things to consider beforehand: how often would you like to see her? How long would a visit entail and what kind of activities will be involved? Also would he have to be present? I wish you the best of luck on this matter.

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