Live Broadcast: Usain Bolt And Belle Lubica Split – Reactions On The Streets (Satire)

Just six months into their relationship, there are reports that Usain Bolt, and Slovakian fashion designer Lubica Slovak, has ended. With the new turn of events, Boardlane TV took the streets once again to obtain reaction from the Jamaican people.    

 Boardlane TV: Hello, how are you? Did you hear about the latest on the break up of Usain and Belle?  If so, what can you say about the matter?

 Yvette: Well, is about dyam time dat dun wid. Dat was di langess 6 monts inna my life. Nutten more dan dat gyal a look free plane ride goh Londan fi di Olympics . Dats why shi goh hitch up harself unda Usain soh all of a sudden.  Fram mi si har, mi know seh shi a big ginal. Shi well paas har curfew time.. an Usian shoulda sen har back har yaad lang time.

 Boardlane TV: Do you realize they are gown folks and they are allowed to make mistakes? What do you think about that?

Yvette: Dat is some blinking, dumb-ass mistake im mek! If im did inna soh much haste fi deh wid ooman, im neva si seh Yendi an Asafa lef?  Im  tek carelissness an  im mek Chino crape har up an im get lef wid buffy di vampire slayer! Im betta noh mek dat mistake again, arelse wi naah ramp fi trow rackstone inna im blouse an skirt head tap!

Boardlane TV: Ok then Miss …thanks for the candid remarks. Sir, step over here. What is your reaction to the Usain break up news now circulating?

Cotton Bud: (Stroking his chin) All mi can do is to speculate seh di stock unda di gyal frock neva too upright. A man naah lef a ooman soh if di ting TUN UP right. Mi a pree di girl Belle pan pan TV an  har bumpa nat even have aan noh park light pan it to  rahtid! Mi feel seh di bumpa neva fit Bolt cyar an shi cudden grease di rims, good an prapa! Yuh si mi? Dats why Bolt buss dah move deh.A di right ting im do still…caah if a girl cyaan charge di battery, shi haffi get erase, displace an  replace. Cotton Bud have di REAL TALK!  

Boardlane TV:  So Mister Cotton Bud, you really think the cause of the break up was due to lack of romance?

Cotton Bud:  A who seh anyting bout romance? A di bedroom wok mi a chat bout! Straight!  Romance a fi man like Jah Cure who  sing bout “Unconditional Love” an dem sheggries deh! (Kiss teet) Bolt a race harse …im noh have noh time fi slow romancing, dancing an prancing. Di man a defen pap dung bed spring an tear aff weave kina loving.   

Boardlane TV:  OK sir we will leave it there. Hi sir.. you with the yellow shirt. Can we get your reaction to the Bolt split. We are live on TV.

Garfield: Mi cyaan chat too lang enoh lady. Mi bus a come. But hear wah… mek mi mek dis ting shart an sweet. Bolt cyaan pronounce di gyal name a backside! When yuh hear Bolt a chat more come een like im tongue a gallop fasta dan im bombawt brain!  Prably a call di gyal by di wrang name an shi shat im two bax an a deh soh di relationship get sour. Nex time im fi wid ooman wid simple name like “Patsy, Suzette an Nadine.” (Seeing his bus driving away) DRIVA!! DRIVA whole aaan deh! Lady, mi gaan cause si yuh nearly mek mi bus lef mi a road. But put mi dung pan tape seh Bolt goh tek aan farrin ooman wid stooshas name weh im cyaan manige. Lickle more!

Boardlane TV: These are very interesting comments from the folks on the street. We have just enough time for one more point of view. Young lady, I see you have been standing there and listening in. What is your take?

Janet: You know I were very upset when I font out dat Bolt tek up wid dat girl. But I am very elastic dat im realize dat training for the Olympic gole muss be priority. On di odda han, mi feel kina sarry fi im.

Boardlane TV: I think you meant “ecstatic” and not “elastic”. Anyway, why do you feel sorry for him?

Janet: Now dat im doan have a ooman in im life, im might get backed up an dat load may cause im to slow down pan di track. Im need time to release all of that … uuuhhmm ..yuh know… uhhmmm. Well, let us juss say dat im lickle tadpoles need fi tek a swim wance in a while. Dis could be hardardous fi im.

Boardlane TV: The word is “hazardous.” So would you say you would rather him stay with Miss Lubica?

Janet: No, no no! Nat she! Smaddy else! Shi may name Lubica but she is NO lubricant?! Shi noh have what it takes fi tickle Bolt pickle. Dat is my honest opinion. Im waan wan a dem sexy gyal fram country weh can do Satan wok pan Satidey an mek im wake up Sunday marning a bawl fi Jesas Chrise! Tek it fram dat I believe im waan! Mi wish im di very bess dowe, cause a mi hawt dat. Bolt to di woorrll!!!

Boardlane TV: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Well, the ever so candid remarks from the Jamaican people are always interesting to hear. We certainly hope for the best for the Olympic star and his upcoming performance at the 2012 Olympics.  This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Thanks for joining us.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  May 10, 2012 

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book A Soh Wi Do It!. She recently completed her  second book “A Soh It Goh!”. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances –