Joining the dating world is not easy for persons 40 and older, especially those who have been in long-term relationships. This is an excerpt of a letter (used with permission) that I got from a client.
“I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I am over 40 years old, I’m still single and hate it! I feel disappointed with myself. All my friends have someone in their lives. I feel as if my friends and relatives pity me and are always trying to ‘hook’ me up with someone who they think will make me a good husband. I feel old, unattractive and sometimes think that no man will want me again. The next thing is that all the good men are already taken. Am I wrong to feel this way?”
Can you relate to this?
My answer to my client was, “No, you’re never wrong to feel anything, as what is felt is a sign and reaction to something else that needs tending to. It indicates that there is a belief held inside.”
My client is not alone. Many women feel this way as a result of our culture which dictates that a woman should get married and have children by 30.
If you are single and over 40, you have a love history. You’ve been in relationships before and you may want one now, but for whatever reason, you haven’t found the right person yet. There’s no reason to feel ashamed or think that something is wrong with you. Maybe you’re divorced and frustrated with dating or haven’t ventured back out to the dating arena. You could be a widow or widower and unsure of ever finding another person like your deceased partner. Perhaps you were in a live-in or long-term relationship that ended, so you’re single again.
As a woman, matchmaker and relationship coach, I know finding love – especially after 40 – is not easy. Still, people fall in love every day and many of my clients do find their soulmates.
So, what’s the problem?
It may be the negative things you sometimes tell yourself that oftentimes prevent positive things from happening to you. These negative beliefs prevent you from connecting, or worse, stop you from even looking.
Clients – especially women – come to me with these limiting ideas about dating, love, and men, and it’s my job to help them turn things around. Working with me, women transform the lies to create opportunities, and that’s how they managed to find love again.
Here are some of the negative things you may be telling yourself that are preventing you from finding love.
1. All the good men are already taken.
This is what I hear most frequently from female clients. This is not true! There are many single men out there. Men get divorced for the same reason women do; they grew apart from their wives, their wives cheated or circumstances just changed. Some men had their heart broken earlier in life and are just recovering and ready now. There are lots of reasons why good men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s are single and looking for a woman like you.
2. I don’t have time to date.
Really now? Yes, I know you are busy – we all are – but you make time for what you decide is important. Finding love should be something important, so you’ll need to make it a priority. Schedule time out of your calendar at least once a week to meet new people. If you cannot do that, you don’t really want to find love. Finding love takes effort and requires a strong desire to take the necessary steps.
3. I want a perfect man.
If you are looking for a perfect man, then you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Most of the men you meet will not be right, no man is perfect (and neither are you). The perfect man exists only in movies and fairy tale books. There is a man who is the right one for you once you get over this idea of perfection.
4. Most men are liars, cheats, and players.
Yes, it’s easy to believe this if you have been spurned or hurt by a man. There are men who do not cheat, lie or refuse to settle down. Personally, I found a man who is not like that, and I have many friends and clients who have also found a fabulous, moral man. When you believe that all men are terrible, you will look for evidence that your viewpoint is correct. If you believe men are wonderful, you will see examples to support that. Start looking for examples of quality men and you will notice that they are all around you.
5. Most men are very boring.
Many women find nice men to be boring and “bad boys” to be interesting. I used to be like that once, so I understand. Yes, a bad boy can be very intriguing and sometimes sexy, but he won’t change his “bad ways” for you and won’t be good relationship material. All you’ll get in the end is heartbreak.
6. Men don’t want a long-term relationship.
This only holds true for some men, but, there are many men out there who would be happy to fall in love with you, but you need to do your part. You certainly won’t find him if you sit in your living room all the time!
I hope your mind is now opened to new ways of looking at dating over 40. As a Matchmaker and Relationship Coach, I dedicated my life to helping single women and men make that dream come true for them. Since I found love, and many of my clients have too, I know you can do it!
It’s time to take the first step, older and fabulous you!
Olive Patricia Ellis is a Relationship Consultant with training in Counselling Psychology. She has successfully provided relationship guidance to singles who need help in dating and other relationship issues, couples who are engaged, or couples whose relationships have “lost the loving feeling”.
Contact: [email protected]